As of
Monday, August 4th, I’ll
officially be 1/5 of the way through my 30s.
When I turned 30 two years ago, I had no idea that the coming years
would bring about more loss, gains, changes, growth, challenges, and ultimately
new experiences than I have ever gone through in such a short period of
time. Put simply: My 30s so far have
been an opportunity to create Kate 2.0.
To
celebrate my 32nd birthday, I
decided to compile a list of the 32 most prominent lessons that I have learned over
the past two years. All of the new
experiences I have had during this time have created ample opportunity for
learning of all sorts, and the following lessons are a result of some of that
learning.
General Lessons
1.
Authenticity is more important than perfection.
--I am
not and will never be perfect, but I am super real.
2.
There is more than one right way to live a successful life.
--A
husband, two kids, a dog, and a picket fence is only one version of
success. There are others.
3.
Contrast is crucial.
--Life includes both incredible
things and terrible things, and experiencing both provides the greatest
opportunity for growth and fullness.
4.
Happiness is not inversely proportional to the size of my jeans or the number
on my scale.
--Letting
go of an obsessive concern about these things has actually produced a happier
and healthier version of myself.
5.
Labels are for food and clothes, not people.
--I don't have to identify by a
certain word or phrase in order to know who I am and show who I am to others.
6.
Having a night alone doesn't mean that I'm alone in a larger sense.
--Solo
time can be restorative, even for the most extroverted personality.
7. Not
everything needs to be spoken directly to be heard and understood.
--Contrary
to my natural tendency to write or say things explicitly and verbosely,
sometimes emotion is best conveyed with fewer words.
8.
Having children is not the only way to be generative.
--Giving
good advice, having a meaningful career, and making people laugh are three
examples of other ways to change the world.
9.
There is still a lot to look forward to.
--I used to believe all of my
best days were behind me. Now I know that many, many good days are still
to come.
10.
Letting go is hard.
--It is also necessary in order to experience the
freedom to move forward.
11.
It's okay to accept a compliment.
--Chances
are, the person giving the compliment isn’t lying, so it's gracious to say
"thank you" instead of trying to refute it. It also doesn’t
hurt to choose to believe it.
12.
Over-trusting is a character flaw, not an asset.
--It pays to have a healthy amount
of skepticism, and a level of guardedness in self-disclosure. People should
earn trust.
13. Nothing
about the future is guaranteed.
--It is
possible to have the illusion of a secure, stable future, but it’s just that:
an illusion. Life can, and often does, change on a dime.
Relationship Lessons
14.
Marriage isn't a status symbol, and it shouldn't be the end goal.
--My marital status is not an
indicator of my success, value, or ability to be loved. Married, single, or anywhere
in between, my worth does not change.
15. The
best retaliation is survival.
--I
don't need to "get back" at someone who has hurt me. I just
need to get past that hurt and be stronger because of it.
16.
Just because someone has been a significant person in my past does not mean
that he or she needs to be significant in my present.
--Letting
go of a friendship or relationship that is no longer working doesn't mean that
it wasn't valuable and important during the time that it was.
17.
It pays to take social risks.
--They
won't all pay off. But sometimes they will, and that makes the risk worth it.
18.
Never, ever toss aside friends for the sake of a relationship.
--Almost
every dating relationship will eventually end, but many friendships will last a
lifetime. Wise prioritization is important.
19.
Forgiveness doesn't always mean going back to the way things were before.
--But it does mean refusing to
let anger or resentment suffocate or dominate.
20.
There is a difference between a friend and a social connection.
--There
are people I rarely see in "normal life" who turned up when it really
counted. And vice versa.
21.
Family has many definitions.
--Biological
family is important. So is chosen family: non-relatives with whom we find
connection, comfort, love, and shared values.
22. Not
everyone will like me, and that's okay.
--It is
more important to focus my energy on people who do appreciate and value me,
than on trying to change myself to accommodate those who don't.
23. The
phrase "just friends" is stupid.
--It implies that a friendship
relationship is less important than a romantic relationship, and there are many
cases in which that isn't true at all.
Life-Skills Lessons
24. I am self-sufficient.
--Before I was 30, I didn't think I could do things like manage my finances, maintain
an auto insurance policy, or file my taxes. Turns out, I can.
25.
It's okay to spend money sometimes.
--I spent most of my 20s
over-saving and not using my money. Saving is important, but so is
experiential living.
26. If
I need help with something, I should ask for it.
--People are often eager to
share their skills and talents. Having the courage to ask for help not
only means I don't have to do it alone, but that the helper gets to do what he
or she is good at.
27. It
is vitally important to know where my money is, and how to access it.
--People who share assets with
a partner need to have equal access to all accounts. Period. Always.
Without question.
Dating Lessons
28. The
length of my hair or style of my clothes has no bearing on who I want to date
and love.
--People
of all genders love all genders. Being ultra-feminine is part of my identity,
but that femininity is not indicative of my dating preference.
29.
Wearing the same outfit on every first date is a great time-saver.
--And when that dress gets a
hole in it, it might be time to take a break from dating.
30.
Dating just to date is okay.
--Trying to find the perfect
long-term relationship isn't the only reason to date. Getting to know
another person’s story, having an excuse to try a new restaurant, and
re-discovering what qualities I like in people are also valid reasons.
31. You
have to kiss a lot of frogs.
--Sometimes the frog-kissing is
fun; other times, they literally bite you.
Most Importantly
32. I
don't know everything yet.
--This
may be the most important thing I have learned so far in this decade: I
am not a beacon of wisdom and success. I am not always right. I
don't always know the answers. Being aware of this makes me open to learning,
and to adjusting my worldview when new information comes to light. It makes me
less susceptible to stagnation and more amenable to growth. Maybe being a
work-in-progress is more meaningful than being a finished product. At the very least, it’s definitely more fun.
