Creating Life 2.0

Excerpt from my journal, January 1st, 2014:

"I lost a lot this year. My husband. My house. My stability. My security. My normal life.  But I gained so much that wouldn't have been possible without these losses.  I believe this is going to be the best year of my life.  2013 was the year that I transitioned. 2014 is going to be the year that I reap the fruits of that transition.  It's going to be the start of Life 2.0."

Looking back nearly a year later, I am impressed with my optimism as I anticipated the year to come.  But to be honest, I'm also disappointed with the lack of fulfillment of my predictions. I don't think I fully "reaped the fruits" of my transition this year.  I did travel quite a bit.  I enjoyed time with friends. I organized parties.  I became close with a few very notable people who I now can't imagine life without.  I also let go of a few potentially toxic people, either intentionally or unintentionally. 

But I didn't really move forward.  I didn't grow professionally or personally.  I didn't take big risks.  I didn't chase learning opportunities.  I didn't create.  The title of my blog is Running Toward Thirty (it was originally meant to be a blog about running and about considerations as I approached my 30th birthday), but I didn't run toward anything this year. 

I think one factor that is fueling my current thought pattern is that I am surrounded by people who are very tangibly moving forward, creating and doing incredible things.  It happens that many of the people I'm closest to have achieved huge professional successes this year.  They possess the combination of intelligence, talent, and motivation to have been able to find things they're passionate about and make them into amazing careers.  Another handful have recently found meaningful primary relationships, or have taken other big steps like buying houses or having children.  I don't know if any of these are the things I want in my life, but if not, then what DO I want?  And how do I find it?  Maybe I'm behind the curve because I spent so many years in stagnation, with my marriage as my greatest (only?) source of meaning and sense of identity.  But regardless, I am at a point in my life with way more questions than answers, at a time when most of my peer group is flourishing.

Maybe part of the problem is that I'm playing the comparison game. I'm lucky enough to know extraordinary people - not average people.  So, I know that I shouldn't measure my self-worth against their successes.   Also, the reality is that, although this may not have turned out to be the "best year of my life", as predicted on January 1st, nothing incredibly bad has happened this year, either.  I didn't lose a family member.   I didn't have a financial setback.  I didn't have a health crisis.  I didn't lose my job. No one divorced me.  There was no major tragedy in 2014.  Maybe I just wasn't quite ready for a year of growth.  Maybe I needed a year of healing, instead. 

But what is next? How do I create meaning, motivation, identity, and value?  What do I stand for?  These are the things I want to be focusing on as we close out this year and slide into the next.  I hope that by the end of 2015, I will have at least created a foundation upon which to build the answers to these questions, and create the changes that will produce the best version of myself.  It's not too late for Life 2.0 to still be amazing - if I live it purposefully.