For Better, For Worse.... For All.

The worst week of my life happened during what was supposed to have been one of the best times of my life.

Ben and I had just tied the knot. We were settling into our new marriage, our new apartment, our new lives together.  The gifts had been unwrapped, the thank-you notes had been sent. We'd been on a wonderful tropical honeymoon.  This was what I'd been looking forward to for so long: having a normal, married life... sharing everything with the person I loved more than anyone else. 

And then Ben got sick.  It started off with what seemed to be a mild flu... fever, achy, terrible cough.  But it didn't go away.  He spent a month going to various doctors, trying to figure out what was wrong.  He was diagnosed with pneumonia, and was given large doses of antibiotics, but they didn't help.  One day, I got home from work, and he wasn't home.  He'd been home sick every day for a couple of weeks, and I immediately knew something was wrong.  It turned out he had spiked a fever of 104 and had gone to the ER. 

Ben was admitted into the hospital that Friday evening.  He explained his symptoms to yet another doctor, and was given the same antibiotic that hadn't been working.... this time through an IV.  He was in the hospital for over a week while doctors literally argued about what was wrong with him.  With every day that passed, it seemed like the working diagnosis got scarier and scarier.  A lot of the diseases that they thought he had were potentially life-threatening.  Meanwhile, his symptoms were getting worse and there was still no consensus about what the problem was, or how to treat it.  I remember calling my dad one day and telling him that I was afraid that I would become a 25 year-old widow.

Eventually, a very intuitive doctor ordered a test that resulted in the diagnosis of Blastomycosis... a rare form of fungal pneumonia in his lung, which didn't respond to the same antibiotics that are used for normal bacterial pneumonia.  Untreated, it would have spread to other parts of his body and eventually would have killed him.  With treatment, he was able to be discharged and eventually made a full recovery.

He stayed in the hospital for over a week.  During that time, we fell into a routine.  I'd come to the hospital directly from work each day, and would stay all evening, until it was time for him to go to bed.  Visiting hours were long over, but I was able to stay because I was his wife.  We tried to make it as normal as possible... playing games, watching TV, talking about that day's events.  We were in this together.  In sickness and in health.  We were both scared, but being able to be there with Ben, through the physical sickness and the resulting emotional repercussions, was truly the only thing that kept us grounded.   Although we were frustrated about the lack of a diagnosis, the doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers treated us with respect and as a family unit.

But what if we hadn't been married?  Would the hospital administration have let me stay with him?  Would they have treated me as his family?  What would have happened if he'd been all alone during that time?  What if I'D been all alone during that time? 

What if we were a same-sex couple? 

There are 515 statutes in Minnesota that discriminate against same-sex couples who are unable to get married in our state.  A number of them have to do with health care and hospital visitation rights.  I honestly don't know if Ben and I would have been treated the same way in the hospital if we were a same-sex couple.  But I do know that our ability to be together during that time, well beyond regular visiting hours, was what held us both together.  I don't even want to think about the alternative. 

No one should go through this sort of thing alone.  When Ben and I took our marriage vows, it was for better or for worse.  All committed couples deserve to take, and heed, that vow.

If you're in a legal, heterosexual marriage, you have 515 state benefits that your fellow citizens in same-sex partnerships do not.  If the constitution is amended to preclude same-sex couples from getting married, thousands of Minnesotans will lose the hope of ever receiving these same rights that we so easily take for granted.  Like being able to be a part of our spouses' medical emergencies and decisions. 

Please think about that when you're casting your ballot next Tuesday. 

If The Marriage Amendment Passes...

Today, I watched two television advertisements that were launched by Minnesota For Marriage, the campaign that supports the passage of  the constitutional amendment that would forever preclude so many people from entering into the bond of legal marriage.  I had an actual physiological reaction.  My whole body felt cold, my palms were sweaty, and I could feel my heart pounding.   I also felt very emotionally confused. I couldn't quite define my feeling as anger, or sadness, or extreme worry.... it was more like a combination of all of all of these. 

Ever since this issue became a ballot measure, most of us have been feeling very positively about how it will turn out.  Almost all of our peers are voting no.  You can hardly throw a rock in our city without hitting an orange Vote No lawn sign.  Hundreds of faith organizations have stood up against the amendment.  There have been fundraising and awareness-raising events nearly every day lately.  The momentum has been growing and growing, and there's an undercurrent of hope and positivity.

But we live in a bubble, and that bubble does not represent our entire state.  And the reality is that we are behind in the polls.  If the election was today, we would lose.  And these hurtful advertisements are not going to help.

I recently read an article written by a Minnesotan woman who was asked how she would feel if the marriage amendment passes next month.  She had some very eloquent things to say about what that outcome would (and would NOT) do to her family.  And that prompted me to think about my own response to that question.

I don't really know how anyone who has been invested in this fight can be fully prepared for the possibility that we will lose.  I do know that I will feel disappointed in my fellow Minnesotans, and I will feel disappointed in myself for not doing enough. 

The outcome of the election won't affect my own marriage, so it could be said that I would not be "personally harmed" if it passes.  And that's true, sort of.  I'm not pretending to know first-hand what it feels like to be systematically discriminated against.   I'm not pretending to be impacted in the same profound way that thousands of other Minnesotans would.

But I know what this means to the people who would be personally harmed.  Most are strangers.  Some are colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances, former classmates.  A lot are friends.  A few are people I love with all my heart.   For all of these people, the passage of the amendment would mean that a majority of Minnesota voters think that their relationships shouldn't be legally validated.  That their families are somehow less than mine.

I don't understand the arguments presented by the opposition.  I don't understand why anyone would want to write discrimination into the constitution, or especially why anyone, regardless of their stance on the issue, considers the amendment necessary given the current state and federal laws which already prohibit legal same-sex marriage. 

It is an uphill battle, but I'm still hopeful that Minnesotans will stand up for what is right and will be the first state to vote down this proposed amendment.  But this won't happen simply by "hoping".  Please join me in donating and volunteering in whatever capacity you can. www.mnunited.org.