32 Lessons I've Learned in my 30s

As of Monday, August 4^th,  I’ll officially be 1/5 of the way through my 30s.   When I turned 30 two years ago, I had no idea that the coming years would bring about more loss, gains, changes, growth, challenges, and ultimately new experiences than I have ever gone through in such a short period of time.  Put simply: My 30s so far have been an opportunity to create Kate 2.0.

To celebrate my 32^nd  birthday, I decided to compile a list of the 32 most prominent lessons that I have learned over the past two years.  All of the new experiences I have had during this time have created ample opportunity for learning of all sorts, and the following lessons are a result of some of that learning.

General Lessons

1. Authenticity is more important than perfection.

--I am not and will never be perfect, but I am super real.

2. There is more than one right way to live a successful life. 

--A husband, two kids, a dog, and a picket fence is only one version of success.  There are others.

3. Contrast is crucial.

--Life includes both incredible things and terrible things, and experiencing both provides the greatest opportunity for growth and fullness.

4. Happiness is not inversely proportional to the size of my jeans or the number on my scale.

--Letting go of an obsessive concern about these things has actually produced a happier and healthier version of myself.

5. Labels are for food and clothes, not people.

--I don't have to identify by a certain word or phrase in order to know who I am and show who I am to others.

6. Having a night alone doesn't mean that I'm alone in a larger sense.

--Solo time can be restorative, even for the most extroverted personality.

7. Not everything needs to be spoken directly to be heard and understood.

--Contrary to my natural tendency to write or say things explicitly and verbosely, sometimes emotion is best conveyed with fewer words.

8.  Having children is not the only way to be generative.

--Giving good advice, having a meaningful career, and making people laugh are three examples of other ways to change the world.

9. There is still a lot to look forward to.

--I used to believe all of my best days were behind me.  Now I know that many, many good days are still to come.

10. Letting go is hard.

--It  is also necessary in order to experience the freedom to move forward.

11. It's okay to accept a compliment.

--Chances are, the person giving the compliment isn’t lying, so it's gracious to say "thank you" instead of trying to refute it.  It also doesn’t hurt to choose to believe it.

12. Over-trusting is a character flaw, not an asset.

--It pays to have a healthy amount of skepticism, and a level of guardedness in self-disclosure. People should earn trust.

13. Nothing about the future is guaranteed.

--It is possible to have the illusion of a secure, stable future, but it’s just that: an illusion. Life can, and often does, change on a dime.

Relationship Lessons

14. Marriage isn't a status symbol, and it shouldn't be the end goal.

--My marital status is not an indicator of my success, value, or ability to be loved. Married, single, or anywhere in between, my worth does not change.

15. The best retaliation is survival.

--I don't need to "get back" at someone who has hurt me.  I just need to get past that hurt and be stronger because of it. 

16. Just because someone has been a significant person in my past does not mean that he or she needs to be significant in my present.

--Letting go of a friendship or relationship that is no longer working doesn't mean that it wasn't valuable and important during the time that it was.

17.  It pays to take social risks.

--They won't all pay off. But sometimes they will, and that makes the risk worth it.

18. Never, ever toss aside friends for the sake of a relationship.

--Almost every dating relationship will eventually end, but many friendships will last a lifetime. Wise prioritization is important.

19. Forgiveness doesn't always mean going back to the way things were before.

--But it does mean refusing to let anger or resentment suffocate or dominate.

20. There is a difference between a friend and a social connection.

--There are people I rarely see in "normal life" who turned up when it really counted.  And vice versa.

21. Family has many definitions.

--Biological family is important.  So is chosen family: non-relatives with whom we find connection, comfort, love, and shared values.

22. Not everyone will like me, and that's okay.

--It is more important to focus my energy on people who do appreciate and value me, than on trying to change myself to accommodate those who don't.

23. The phrase "just friends" is stupid.

--It implies that a friendship relationship is less important than a romantic relationship, and there are many cases in which that isn't true at all.

Life-Skills Lessons

24. I am self-sufficient.
--Before I was 30, I didn't think I could do things like manage my finances, maintain an auto insurance policy, or file my taxes.  Turns out, I can. 

25.  It's okay to spend money sometimes.

--I spent most of my 20s over-saving and not using my money.  Saving is important, but so is experiential living.

26. If I need help with something, I should ask for it.

--People are often eager to share their skills and talents.  Having the courage to ask for help not only means I don't have to do it alone, but that the helper gets to do what he or she is good at.

27. It is vitally important to know where my money is, and how to access it.

--People who share assets with a partner need to have equal access to all accounts.  Period. Always. Without question. 

Dating Lessons 

28. The length of my hair or style of my clothes has no bearing on who I want to date and love.

--People of all genders love all genders. Being ultra-feminine is part of my identity, but that femininity is not indicative of my dating preference.

29. Wearing the same outfit on every first date is a great time-saver.

--And when that dress gets a hole in it, it might be time to take a break from dating.

30. Dating just to date is okay.

--Trying to find the perfect long-term relationship isn't the only reason to date.  Getting to know another person’s story, having an excuse to try a new restaurant, and re-discovering what qualities I like in people are also valid reasons.

31. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.

--Sometimes the frog-kissing is fun; other times, they literally bite you. 

 

Most Importantly

32. I don't know everything yet.

--This may be the most important thing I have learned so far in this decade:  I am not a beacon of wisdom and success.  I am not always right.  I don't always know the answers. Being aware of this makes me open to learning, and to adjusting my worldview when new information comes to light. It makes me less susceptible to stagnation and more amenable to growth. Maybe being a work-in-progress is more meaningful than being a finished product.  At the very least, it’s definitely more fun.