If You Told Me A Year Ago That I'd Be Doing This Today, I Wouldn't Have Believed You

2012 is the first year I've ever actually kept a New Year's resolution.

It's also the first year that my resolution wasn't something like dropping 10 pounds or eating more vegetables.

There were a lot of social unknowns at the beginning of this year.  (see December 2011 "The Privilege of Saying Good-bye").  A good portion of my friends had recently moved out of state, and others were disappearing into a suburban world of 2.5 kids and picket fences.  To avoid boredom and loneliness, I knew that I needed to make some changes and do something new.  So...

I decided to make it my resolution to accept all invitations, to take relational risks, to have new experiences, and to not worry about staying up past my bedtime.

Check, Check, check, and CHECK.

The result: beyond my wildest imagination. So many times this year, I've found myself saying, "If you would have told me a year ago that I'd be doing this today, I never would have believed you."  And it's true.  Every day (that's only a slight exaggeration) has been an adventure.  I haven't said no to anything.  I've had more "firsts" in 2012 than I'd had in the decade prior, combined. 

I've not just stepped, but LEAPED out of my comfort zone more times than I can count this year.  I didn't know if I'd be accepted, if I'd make friends, if people would appreciate or understand my quirkiness.  There were a few false starts, and a few little road bumps. But I learned from them, and moved onward and upward.

The payoff has been so much greater than I expected. I don't even have the words to explain my feelings about this year, so instead, here is a Top 10 list of "If you would have told me a year ago that I'd be doing this today, I never would have believed you" Moments/Experiences:

1. Meeting my new best friend, and the resulting whirlwind of adventures, invitations, hilarity, and general awesomeness.

2. Traveling to Colombia with some of my favorite girls, to visit some of my other favorite girls.  Particular highlight: Taganga, which to date is my favorite place on earth. Meeting people from all over the globe.

3.  Holi Party - wearing white and throwing colorful paint on friends, in the rain.  Getting messy can be the most fun.

4.  Ben's re-proposal to me on our 5-year anniversary. 

5.  Being part of my Ami's wedding.  Okay, so THIS I'd known I would eventually be doing since circa 1998, but it was too special to not mention.

6.  My 30 Before 30 Project.  Doing one new thing each day for a month to celebrate the beginning of a new decade. 

7.  Having an amazing 30th birthday celebration.

8.  Impromptu trip to Wisconsin Dells and Market Days.

9.  Becoming involved in the largest grass-roots political campaign in Minnesota; joining 27,000 like-minded volunteers and witnessing The Day that Love Won.

10. Making my "drag debut" at the hottest "night club" in town, Chateau Fremont.

To say that this year has been a success is an understatement.  To say that I am blessed beyond belief is an understatement.  

I don't think it will be possible to have this many new experiences in 2013.  But I've learned this year to not be limited by expectations.  Every day is a new adventure, and I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

The Important Things

Like a lot of other people, I'm not perfect.  Here is a non-exhaustive list of the reasons why this is true:  I don't like team sports because I'm always the weakest link.  I'm terrible at any and all forms of art; any attempt at craft projects make me frustrated and cranky.  I am not good at deferred gratification; when I want something, I want it now.  My sense of direction is startlingly bad.  I spend too much time checking my texts, e-mails, and Facebook notifications on my phone.  I don't get enough sleep on the weekends.  I spend too much of my gym time doing cardio and not enough on strength training, which explains my increasingly disturbing amount of flab (an extra layer for the winter? Sure, we'll go with that).  Although I'm an okay dresser, I can never pull off looking "fancy", and my ability to accessorize leaves a lot to be desired. I'm nosy.  Sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain, an unfortunate fact which some people refer to as having no filter.  My hair gets all over EVERYTHING.  I can't remember the last time I made my bed.  My idea of cooking a real meal is throwing pre-packaged tortellini into a pot of boiling water.  I have zero self-control. Unlike a startlingly high proportion of my friends, I don't and never will have a PhD, MD, JD, or anything else with a D.

But...

You can count on me to be the among the first to RSVP to your event... and I'll show up with my best "party face" on.  I'll call you back if I don't answer the first time.  I'll remind you why he was never good enough for you - because obviously he wasn't.  Even if it's been a year since I've seen you, I know we will pick up right where we left off.  I'll try to strike a balance between making you laugh and letting you cry.  When I like your outfit, I'll let you know.  I'll remember your birthday.  Actually, I'll probably plan your party.

I'm not good at most things.  I hope, though, that I'm pretty decent at the important things.

My A-List

On Friday night, I was standing with three friends in one of the swankiest bars in Minneapolis.  We'd never been there before, but we'd heard good things and wanted to give it a try.  We were enjoying immaculately-made expensive drinks and having ridiculously great conversations.  It was a perfect night.

And then the A-Listers walked in. You know who I'm talking about. They're gorgeous, tall, extremely well-dressed... they have money, they have power, they have influence.  They don't WALK into a bar; they saunter in.  Heads turn.  Surely they are coming from an "event" of some sort, and likely are just passing through this bar for a drink, on their way to the next big thing.  They're people that my friends and I don't actually KNOW, but do know OF.

Which makes me think: I wonder if ANYONE really knows them.  We're judging them by their exterior.  We're assuming that because they LOOK and ACT completely put-together, they actually are.  If we really sat down and talked to them, we'd probably find that they have insecurities and struggles and who knows what else.  Maybe we'd have more in common than we think.  But maybe not.  And maybe it doesn't matter, because....

I have my own A-List: The people in my life who enhance every experience; who are the first ones on the invite list when I'm hosting a party. They're the people I can relate to, who understand the things I struggle with.  The people with whom I share inside jokes and who know that my favorite drink is Malibu diet.  People who can read between the lines when I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts.  The people who bring out the best in me, and vice versa.  People who share similar interests and values, and who love to have fun.  People who I can text at a moment's notice and meet for a walk around the lake or a cup of coffee.   People who make me know that I am never alone.

My own A-Listers are a lot like me.  They're not fancy or powerful.  They have influence, but not in the same way as the "actual" A-Listers.  I don't even know if they "have money" or not, and I don't care.  They're as comfortable showing up in shorts and a t-shirt as they are in a bow-tie or a fancy dress.

I don't need or even want to be well-known, popular, or influential.  But I do need my people, my A-List.  And I'm thankful for the ever-expanding number of people on this list.  SO thankful.

And as for the TRUE A-Listers...  I hope they have their own people, too.  Because even if you are "really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking", you still need true friends.

For Better, For Worse.... For All.

The worst week of my life happened during what was supposed to have been one of the best times of my life.

Ben and I had just tied the knot. We were settling into our new marriage, our new apartment, our new lives together.  The gifts had been unwrapped, the thank-you notes had been sent. We'd been on a wonderful tropical honeymoon.  This was what I'd been looking forward to for so long: having a normal, married life... sharing everything with the person I loved more than anyone else. 

And then Ben got sick.  It started off with what seemed to be a mild flu... fever, achy, terrible cough.  But it didn't go away.  He spent a month going to various doctors, trying to figure out what was wrong.  He was diagnosed with pneumonia, and was given large doses of antibiotics, but they didn't help.  One day, I got home from work, and he wasn't home.  He'd been home sick every day for a couple of weeks, and I immediately knew something was wrong.  It turned out he had spiked a fever of 104 and had gone to the ER. 

Ben was admitted into the hospital that Friday evening.  He explained his symptoms to yet another doctor, and was given the same antibiotic that hadn't been working.... this time through an IV.  He was in the hospital for over a week while doctors literally argued about what was wrong with him.  With every day that passed, it seemed like the working diagnosis got scarier and scarier.  A lot of the diseases that they thought he had were potentially life-threatening.  Meanwhile, his symptoms were getting worse and there was still no consensus about what the problem was, or how to treat it.  I remember calling my dad one day and telling him that I was afraid that I would become a 25 year-old widow.

Eventually, a very intuitive doctor ordered a test that resulted in the diagnosis of Blastomycosis... a rare form of fungal pneumonia in his lung, which didn't respond to the same antibiotics that are used for normal bacterial pneumonia.  Untreated, it would have spread to other parts of his body and eventually would have killed him.  With treatment, he was able to be discharged and eventually made a full recovery.

He stayed in the hospital for over a week.  During that time, we fell into a routine.  I'd come to the hospital directly from work each day, and would stay all evening, until it was time for him to go to bed.  Visiting hours were long over, but I was able to stay because I was his wife.  We tried to make it as normal as possible... playing games, watching TV, talking about that day's events.  We were in this together.  In sickness and in health.  We were both scared, but being able to be there with Ben, through the physical sickness and the resulting emotional repercussions, was truly the only thing that kept us grounded.   Although we were frustrated about the lack of a diagnosis, the doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers treated us with respect and as a family unit.

But what if we hadn't been married?  Would the hospital administration have let me stay with him?  Would they have treated me as his family?  What would have happened if he'd been all alone during that time?  What if I'D been all alone during that time? 

What if we were a same-sex couple? 

There are 515 statutes in Minnesota that discriminate against same-sex couples who are unable to get married in our state.  A number of them have to do with health care and hospital visitation rights.  I honestly don't know if Ben and I would have been treated the same way in the hospital if we were a same-sex couple.  But I do know that our ability to be together during that time, well beyond regular visiting hours, was what held us both together.  I don't even want to think about the alternative. 

No one should go through this sort of thing alone.  When Ben and I took our marriage vows, it was for better or for worse.  All committed couples deserve to take, and heed, that vow.

If you're in a legal, heterosexual marriage, you have 515 state benefits that your fellow citizens in same-sex partnerships do not.  If the constitution is amended to preclude same-sex couples from getting married, thousands of Minnesotans will lose the hope of ever receiving these same rights that we so easily take for granted.  Like being able to be a part of our spouses' medical emergencies and decisions. 

Please think about that when you're casting your ballot next Tuesday. 

If The Marriage Amendment Passes...

Today, I watched two television advertisements that were launched by Minnesota For Marriage, the campaign that supports the passage of  the constitutional amendment that would forever preclude so many people from entering into the bond of legal marriage.  I had an actual physiological reaction.  My whole body felt cold, my palms were sweaty, and I could feel my heart pounding.   I also felt very emotionally confused. I couldn't quite define my feeling as anger, or sadness, or extreme worry.... it was more like a combination of all of all of these. 

Ever since this issue became a ballot measure, most of us have been feeling very positively about how it will turn out.  Almost all of our peers are voting no.  You can hardly throw a rock in our city without hitting an orange Vote No lawn sign.  Hundreds of faith organizations have stood up against the amendment.  There have been fundraising and awareness-raising events nearly every day lately.  The momentum has been growing and growing, and there's an undercurrent of hope and positivity.

But we live in a bubble, and that bubble does not represent our entire state.  And the reality is that we are behind in the polls.  If the election was today, we would lose.  And these hurtful advertisements are not going to help.

I recently read an article written by a Minnesotan woman who was asked how she would feel if the marriage amendment passes next month.  She had some very eloquent things to say about what that outcome would (and would NOT) do to her family.  And that prompted me to think about my own response to that question.

I don't really know how anyone who has been invested in this fight can be fully prepared for the possibility that we will lose.  I do know that I will feel disappointed in my fellow Minnesotans, and I will feel disappointed in myself for not doing enough. 

The outcome of the election won't affect my own marriage, so it could be said that I would not be "personally harmed" if it passes.  And that's true, sort of.  I'm not pretending to know first-hand what it feels like to be systematically discriminated against.   I'm not pretending to be impacted in the same profound way that thousands of other Minnesotans would.

But I know what this means to the people who would be personally harmed.  Most are strangers.  Some are colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances, former classmates.  A lot are friends.  A few are people I love with all my heart.   For all of these people, the passage of the amendment would mean that a majority of Minnesota voters think that their relationships shouldn't be legally validated.  That their families are somehow less than mine.

I don't understand the arguments presented by the opposition.  I don't understand why anyone would want to write discrimination into the constitution, or especially why anyone, regardless of their stance on the issue, considers the amendment necessary given the current state and federal laws which already prohibit legal same-sex marriage. 

It is an uphill battle, but I'm still hopeful that Minnesotans will stand up for what is right and will be the first state to vote down this proposed amendment.  But this won't happen simply by "hoping".  Please join me in donating and volunteering in whatever capacity you can. www.mnunited.org.  

21 Things I'm Thankful For

I've been thinking a lot lately about thankfulness.  I feel SO thankful for so many things, and lately I've felt like it's been hard to contain my gratitude.  I put this list together of the Top 21 Things I'm Thankful For, initially thinking I'd write one every day and post it around Thanksgiving time... but once I started, I couldn't stop.  These are not in order of importance or really in any order at all.  But they all contribute to the incredibly vast beauty that I am so lucky to experience.

1. The World's Best Husband.  I can't even describe how lucky I am to have Ben.  He's the best partner anyone could ever ask for, in so many ways.  And really the all-around best PERSON that I know.

2. Living in Minneapolis, which I truly believe is one of the best places on earth.

3. Education.  This can take a variety of forms.  I'm thankful for both my formal higher education, as well as the drive to be a life-long learner and the small things I learn every day.

4. My Thursday Night Dinner (TND) friends.  Even though TND is a rare occurrence these days, I'm grateful for this amazing group of women who are enriching, life-long friends.

5. Running.  Running makes me feel good emotionally and physically. Also, I am very thankful for my running buddies!

6. My long-distance friends, who provide opportunities to travel and visit!  In the past year, I've visited 8 friends in 3 different locations.

7. The stable and secure jobs that both Ben and I are lucky enough to have.

8.  Jacob's Well.  Relevant, Honest, Thinking, and Casual. 

9. My "girly group". I look forward to Tuesday nights and meaningful discussions with amazing women.

10.  The many new friendships I've made this year....

11..... Especially the person who has taught me (among many other things) the definition of the term "best friend", and who complements and parallels me in so many ways.

12. Social media, which enables me to make and keep connections.

13. Chocolate.  Because let's be honest, life would suck without chocolate.

14. My little sister, who used to be just a baby and has grown up in every way imaginable.  She is a tiny package of brilliance and amazingness, and I've never been prouder of anyone. 

15. My health.  Once in awhile I'm reminded of how easy it is to take this for granted, and yet how important it is. 

16.  Lake Calhoun.  I love this lake.  This summer I've run around it, walked around it, biked around it, kayaked, canoed, and paddleboarded on it, and swam in it.

17. My book club.  The opportunity to read books that I normally would never pick up.

18.  Extroversion.  I have some personality traits that admittedly might not make it into the list of things I'm thankful for (my husband would probably agree!), but I am really happy to be an extrovert.  I love that I get my energy from being with people and that I love socializing with lots of groups of people. 

19.  Theater in Minneapolis.  The Twin Cities has the 2nd largest number of theater seats per capita (behind NYC), I'm happy to say that I have sat in dozens of them.

20.  My parents, who have been constants my entire life.  Not everyone is that lucky.

21.  A past that I look back on and smile about, a future in which I anticipate wonderful things, and a present that I continually live in and thrive in.

Shakin' off the Devil

While running today, the Florence and the Machine song Shake it Out came up on my iPod shuffle.  This is a great song. Every time I hear it, I am struck by this lyric: "It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back, so shake him off".

This line really resonates with me and makes me think of the "Devils" that I need to shake off in order to "dance".  And by dance, I mean be the most authentic, productive, and positive version of myself. 

One of my major Devils is self-consciousness, fear of judgement, and an over-focus on what people think of me.  It's appropriate that the line is "It's hard to DANCE with the Devil on your back", because the most concrete example of how this is exemplified in my life involves literal dancing. Last night, I was reminiscing with a close long-term friend about how she once gave me dance lessons in the apartment we shared, and about how I would never, ever dance in any capacity unless I'd had some "liquid courage".  I know I'm not a great dancer, and for a looong time, I would be the girl standing on the edge of the dance floor, watching the fun happen without me... because I was too self-conscious and thought people would judge me for my sub-par dance skills.  Result: I missed out on a lot of fun.  Fast-forward to 2012, and the party we were at last night.  Jill suggested that we start a dance party, and she, the birthday boy, and I jammed out in the living room for awhile (while everyone else just watched).  And I didn't care how ridiculous I looked. 

Another one of the Devils that I need to shake off is comparing myself to other people.  A prime example is "stomach models". I coined this term years ago, referring to the many people who run around the Chain of Lakes (especially Calhoun) clad in tiny shorts and sports bras, with no body fat, toned stomachs, perfect running form, and a super fast pace.  The kind of women that I simultaneously want to hate, and want to BE.  However, never once has watching those women (and the negative thoughts that go along with doing so) made my run better, made me faster, or made me happier.  All it does it make me feel inferior.  A more positive approach would be to focus on my own run, and the privilege of being healthy and able to run in such a beautiful city.

I think we all have some form of Devil that we need to shake off our backs.  Maybe it's a negative person who isn't doing any good in your life.  Maybe it's perfectionism.  Maybe it's fear of the unknown.  Maybe it's addiction (I'm not talking about drugs, but anything that's causing an imbalance).  Maybe your Devils are similar to mine: self-consciousness, need for approval, and comparison to others.

Recognizing these things in our lives is the first step toward self-improvement.  If we don't realize what's holding us back, we'll never be able to move forward. Let's define our Devils instead of letting them define us.  And once we know what they are, let's shake 'em off, so we can dance. 

30 Before 30 Adventures

For the past 30 days, I have been working on a “30 before 30” project: Try, experience, or do one new thing every day for the 30 days leading up to my 30^th birthday.  This is what I’ve been up to over the past month!

Friday July 6 – Took a yoga class.  Almost everyone I know besides me has taken yoga classes many times over, but this was actually my first one!  I felt like I looked pretty dumb and inflexible, and the time seemed to go much slower than it usually does with classes at the gym.  But, I certainly can see the benefits of practicing it long-term, so I may give it another try.

Saturday July 7 – Went canoeing on Lake Calhoun.  This was really fun.  It was the first sub-90 degree day in at least a week, and absolutely beautiful, so I headed off to Lake Calhoun with two friends to rent a canoe.  I’d been canoeing before, but never on the Minneapolis chain of lakes.  I love so many things about Minneapolis, but one thing that is REALLY unique is that you can be right in the middle of the city, yet feel completely surrounded by wilderness.

One of my thank-you notes

Sunday July 8 – Put thank you notes on strangers’ cars.  I’ve been seeing more and more “Vote No” bumper stickers on cars around town, so I took some time to write notes thanking the owners of these sticker-clad cars for their commitment to vote against marriage discrimination.  I drove around uptown putting notes on the windshields of half a dozen cars.  The REALLY cool part about this is that a friend messaged me the next day to tell me that one of HER friends had posted a pic of my note on Facebook, having been one of the anonymous recipients! His post indicated that he was happy to have received it and will pass it on.  

Monday July 9 – Rode a Nice Ride bike.  So, the truth is, I hadn’t been on any kind of bike (except a stationary one) for about 20 years.  So riding a bike at all was pretty much a “new thing”.  Renting Nice Rides was more or less just because neither Ben nor I own a functional bike.  We went out around Calhoun on a beautiful night.  I was a little shaky at first, but after a while I really liked it!

Holding the cherry!

Tuesday July 10 – Went to the Walker Sculputer Garden and took a picture “holding the cherry” of the cherry spoon statue.  Okay, full disclosure: my original plan was to take a picture CLIMBING on the cherry spoon. But a few things were working against that plan:  1. My own guilt about the idea of climbing on art. 2. The closed-circuit security system. 3. The pond beneath the spoon.  So, this was more of a second choice activity.  But the picture turned out pretty cool and it was fun to spend time with a friend in the sculpture garden.

Losing Powerball tix

Wednesday July 11 – Bought two Powerball tickets.  At 9:59, I watched the Powerball drawing with a friend.   Unfortunately, beginners luck did not strike this time, and I ended up $4 poorer instead of 80,000,000 richer!

Chocolate facials!

Thursday July 12 – Made a chocolate facial mask.  A friend and I researched recipes for facial masks, and came up with a tasty one! Made of cocoa powder, honey, cream, and oatmeal, it was supposed to provide antioxidants while moisturizing and smoothing. We blended everything up and used a spatula to frost each other’s faces… then licked (er, I mean washed!) it off, revealing fresh, smooth skin!  

Friday July 13 – Visited a new city.  Ben and I flew in to Ann Arbor Michigan to celebrate the wedding of a close friend of mine.  This is a great little town and I have been wanting to visit for several years now- so glad that I finally did!

Cigars and whiskey with Alicia

Saturday July 14 – Smoked a cigar and drank whiskey.  This was Ben and my 5 year wedding anniversary, and the day before the wedding of one of my BFFs.  So, the 4 of us celebrated with cigars (first time EVER smoking one) and whiskey (first time drinking an entire whiskey drink… I liked it a lot more than I thought).  It was super fun to spend time celebrating with one of our favorite couples.

Sunday July 15 – Acted as a witness for a marriage.  I had the honor of signing the marriage license as a witness at the wedding of one of my closest friends.  It really was a privilege to play this unique role in the life of a very special couple.

Monday July 16 – Ran a mile barefoot, in 100 degrees.  Today’s adventure was SUPPOSED to be paddleboarding, but the watercrafts weren’t being rented because of wind.  So, my friends and I went to the beach, and I took the opportunity to try barefoot running along Calhoun – something I’ve wanted to try for a while.  I went about a mile, which was more than enough in 100+ degrees!  I’d definitely be open to doing it again.

The ingredients for root beer

Tuesday July 17 – Made homemade root beer.  This adventure involved trips to two specialty new-agey shops to get a variety of herbs, roots, and other junk I’d never heard of before, followed by chopping stuff up, letting it simmer, draining, and adding soda water.  It was a fun process, but the actual product wasn’t any better than what you’d buy in a can.  I also sampled some homemade licorice soda as well as ginger soda – both of those were delicious!

Wednesday July 18 – Went to the Aquatennial Torchlight Parade.  This parade is supposed to be one of the best in the state.  Personally, I thought it was a bit overrated.  Highly dominated by princesses and marching bands. But it was a beautiful night and I was with great friends, so it was well worth it!

On the Foshay Observation deck

Thursday July 19 – Went to the Foshay Tower observation deck.  Today was Ben’s birthday, and part of how we celebrated was by heading to the 30^th floor of the Foshay.  They have a museum about the history of Foshay and his building, and then you can go outside and walk the perimeter of the Tower, which provides the most incredible view of the twin cities I’ve ever seen.  I’d highly recommend this to anyone who lives in or visits Minneapolis.

Friday July 20 – CLASSIFIED!  (Aren’t all the funnest things??)

Saturday July 21 – Went paddleboarding on the Minneapolis chain of lakes.  Paddleboards are like a cross between surfboarding and kayaking.   I was afraid that I would fall off, but it actually was really easy and fun.  All four of us got the hang of it right away, and it was a great way to spend a summer afternoon!

Sunday July 22 – Celebrated a 90^th birthday.  Today was my grandpa’s 90^th birthday, so I went out for dinner with him and many of my extended family members to celebrate.  I’ve never known someone who is 90 years old before.  My grandpa has lived an incredible life and is still active and full of energy and talent.  I’m proud to be part of his family!

Monday July 23 – Gave food to a homeless person.  I’ve seen countless people on the street who clearly are in need.  Never before have I stopped to try to fill that need.  I’d purchased a subway gift card, and today, instead of turning a blind eye, I said hello and gave him the card.  I hope that tonight he has a full belly.

Making gnocchi!

Tuesday  July 24 – Made homemade gnocchi.  One of the things I am infamous for is my inability to cook.  “Making dinner”, to me, means putting some frozen stir fry in a pan and heating it up.  Conversely, my favorite friend is incredibly talented at many creative things, including cooking delicious homemade meals.  So, tonight we made our own gnocchi.  It took a full two hours from start to finish, but it was delicious!!   

Wednesday July 25 – Got a psychic reading.   This was a bit of a bust. My psychic didn’t really hone in on my primary personality traits or the characteristics of my relationships, and stated a few things which were blatantly inaccurate… making it difficult to trust the other parts of the reading.  I’m still glad I gave it a try, but probably won’t be going back to her any time soon!

Jumping!

Thursday July 26 - Went to a trampoline park.  A group of us went to Sky Zone in Plymouth to bounce on their 3-dimensional trampolines.  We were the oldest people there, besides those who were there with their children, but we didn’t care.  It was a ton of fun.

Shooting a gun! In a dress!

Friday July 27 – Shot a gun.  I went with three girl friends and my husband to Bill’s Gun Range in Robbinsdale.  I was incredibly nervous, but after I got the  hang of it, it was actually pretty fun.  One of those things that I am glad to have done, but probably will never do again!

Saturday July 28 – Mowed a lawn.  So, I’m a little bit of a princess, and I’d never mowed a lawn in my life until today.  I figured it was about time.  I didn’t like it one little bit, and I didn’t do a very good job.  But it DID make me develop a new appreciation for the way Ben keeps our lawn looking like a bed of green carpet!

Sunday July 29 – Went tubing down the Cannon River.  My initial goal was to tube down the Apple River (which is where Ben picked up a life-threatening communicable disease on his bachelor party 5 years ago… so who WOULDN’T want to do that again?!), but opted for the less-disgusting Cannon River.  Ten hours and many shenanigans later, I got home and immediately crashed.

Monday July 30 – CENSORED!! 

Tuesday July 31 – Fasted.  I was on a water and juice diet from 6 pm yesterday until about 5:15 today (at which time someone offered me a cookie, and who am I to turn down a cookie?!).  I didn’t really get hungry until around lunch time, but it also wasn’t a particularly meaningful experience, as it wasn’t part of a spiritual practice or anything.

Wednesday August 1 – Had my eyebrows waxed.  I’ve never really needed to do it because my hair is so light, but I figured it was worth trying.  Results one hour later: a little red!  

Thursday August 2  - Went through a coffee shop drive-thru and paid for the person behind me.  The cashier was a little confused, but I’m pretty sure it worked out.  Hopefully the recipient of free coffee had a good start to his or her day!

Friday August 3 – Ate sushi. I really don't like sea food of any kind, so I put this one off until the end. But I felt like I really should try it because I never had and so many people rave about how delicious it is. The only one I could force myself to put in my mouth was a veggie role, which I'm not sure even technically counts. 

Celebrating 30!

Saturday August 4 - TURNED 30!!!  The inevitable day finally arrived, and I celebrated my birthday with a big party at The Local.  Over 50 friends and family members showed up and it was amazing and overwhelming to have so many of my favorite people all in one place.  I am incredibly blessed with relationships and experiences, and have no regrets at all about where I've come from or where I'm going.  I know that this is going to be the best decade yet! SO THANKFUL!

Ben's Anniversary Poem

A few weeks ago, Ben and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.  He surprised me by writing and reciting a poem about the first years of our life together, which ended in a re-proposal of marriage.  A few people have asked to hear/read the poem, so here it is.

Five years ago with pomp and circumstance
We held one another for our wedding dance.
To Jamaica we left at the first chance
Although luggage lagged behind, perchance.

Upon returning, we learned with a start
Blastomycosis was now on my medical chart.
You nursed me back to health, showing your heart
As we held our vow to never "Christmas" apart.

The following years we took vacations
to Los Angeles, and tropical destinations.
Attended countless nuptual dedications,
And watched me walk in one of Goldy's graduations.

We've experienced our basement as a floodplain.
Foot races in St.Paul, Downtown, and St. Anthony Main.
Five years later, one one question remains:
Katherine Jane, will you marry me... again?


I love you so much, Ben!!

Why Will You Vote NO?

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to co-host an awareness/fundraiser for MN United for All Families, the organization working to defeat the anti-marriage amendment in November.  Everyone at the party expressed beautiful, unique, and legitimate reasons for voting no.  I'd like to share them with you.

Because the constitution gives and protects rights – it doesn’t take them away.

To follow my conscience.

Because love is never wrong. (x2)

Because I want to marry Natasha and everyone should have the ability to marry the person they love.  

To send a message that no one is a second class citizen.

DUH.

Because of, not in spite of, my faith.

So I can be part of Kevin’s wedding one day.

Because I won’t get married until everyone can!

Because I believe in LOVE!

Because everyone deserves a family.

Everyone deserves the right to happiness.

So I can go to Mark’s wedding some day.

Why discriminate? Why judge? We can’t help who we love.

God loves us for who we are.

Because oppression sucks!

It is my civic duty to make all citizens equal. 

Because human rights should not be restricted.

I deserve to love, too.

Because voting yes would be mean.

Because I want to marry Shannon without driving to Iowa!

Because denying rights to an entire group of people is discrimination.

I’d like to get married someday.

Everyone should feel invited to build a strong family.

To be on the RIGHT side of history – and brag about it to my grand kids in 50 years!

Because this amendment makes a mockery of the constitution.

We all deserve the chance to marry.

More freedom = good.  Less freedom = bad.

Because I want to marry Brad Pitt! (and because it’s right).

Because love transcends gender… and God created us to love.

Because marriage is truly a wonderful thing, and everyone deserves the right to seek it.

Minnesota has budget problems, and we’re talking about a gay rights ban??

Because I want to live a life of miserable married bliss.  :) 

Because I recognize right from wrong.

Because civil rights should not be voted on.

What are YOUR reasons for voting no in November?

A Shortcut to the Finish Line?

I ran the Minneapolis Half Marathon last weekend.  The route was "out and back", meaning that when we got to a certain point, we turned around and ran back in the other direction.  There were a number of spots along the first half of the course where it would have been easy to just turn around and blend in with the runners who were already heading in the other direction, thereby cutting out part of the mileage.  Yes, that would be cheating, but it would have gotten me to the finish line faster, and almost no one would have noticed.

The problem is, doing that would have meant missing out on part of the course.  Maybe the best part. 

In our culture, we have this mentality of focusing on the finish line.  And it's understandable.  For runners, seeing that huge cheering crowd at the very end of the race, and then crossing the finish line and being given a medal (and more importantly, some Gatorade and a banana!), are fantastic rewards for the effort that we've put in until that point.  But there's more to running a race than crossing the finish.  There are rewards along the way.  Really valuable rewards. 

The same is true for all of life.  We spend so much of our time thinking about achieving a certain goal, or passing a certain landmark.  A small-scale example of this happened to me yesterday.  It was Wednesday, and all I could focus on was the anticipation of the weekend ahead.  I just wanted to get to Friday, and get on with my weekend plans.  But that mentality is problematic, because wishing away time means wishing away all the small beautiful things that happen during the interim.  An unanticipated summer rainstorm.  A lively discussion at book club.  A picnic in the park with some of my favorite ladies.  Listening to Ben tell me about his day.  Those are joys that I wouldn't want to miss for anything - even a shortcut to the weekend. 

This is an easy trap to fall into on a larger scale too. I remember my final year of high school, pining to get out of my parents' house and move into my college dorm, believing that with this transition would come a greater sense of independence.  I remember my last semester of college, just wishing for graduation so that I could move to Minneapolis and get started with "real life" (i.e. grad school, which in retrospect is a far cry from ACTUAL real life!).  I remember being single in my early 20s, so impatient about meeting the man of my dreams, essentially believing that nothing profound could happen until my goal of marriage was achieved.  In all of these cases, the over-focusing on an event in the future left me unable to really enjoy all of the great things that were happening in the present.

It's exciting to focus on the finish line - the end goal.  But in doing so excessively, we miss a lot of beauty along the way.  I am guessing that a lot of other people can relate to the lure of the finish.  I'd like to throw out this challenge to you: take a step back from whatever future point you are focused on today.  Be thankful for the present.  Run the entire race.  Enjoy the small beauty that is present in every step. The finish line will be there whenever you get to it.

Letters to Myself

Dear 13-year-old Katie,

You'll make friends soon. You might want to start with the red-head in your English class.  She'll be standing up at your wedding one day.


Dear 15-year-old Katie,

There is no 4th floor pool at your high school.

You're going to betray your friend's trust, and she's going to respond with so much more love and forgiveness than you deserve.  You'll have opportunities later to pay it back, and pay it forward.  Take those opportunities, always.

Stop worrying about your grades so much.  Stop worrying in general so much.


Dear 16-year-old Katie,

Quit listening to Alanis Morissette on repeat. That's just embarrassing.

When he tells you that he's a carrier of mono, he's not joking. Don't kiss him!

Stop worrying about your grades so much. 

You know that poster board on your bedroom wall that says "Write on my Wall", and is filled with colorful comments and notes from friends?  You'll still have that in 15 years, except it will be called Facebook.


Dear 17-year-old Katie,

Sporting a WWJD bracelet, a sticker-covered Bible, and a holier-than-thou attitude is SO NOT what Jesus would do. 

Taking AP classes and having a high ACT score does not make you smarter or better than anyone else.  Also, stop worrying about your grades so much.


Dear 19-year-old Kate,

College is not the time to stay home every night. The bar is within walking distance.  Put on a cute top and some heels, and GO OUT!!!

Stop worrying about your grades so much.

Appreciate your grandma.


Dear 22-year-old Kate,

It's okay to feel broken.  But if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that he wasn't right for you.  Someone else will be.  It's hard to believe this now, but it really is for the best.  Try to be grateful.


Dear 23-year-old Kate,

Being single at your age does NOT make you a spinster.  Enjoy this phase of life, and don't even think about settling.

You might want to worry about your grades a little more... just kidding!

The brand of Christianity you're trying out now isn't right for you.  Keep looking, because there are like-minded people out there who also have a thirst for a spiritual community.  Hint: THIRST!


Dear 24-year-old Kate,

You can trust him when he says he won't leave you.  And he'll mow the lawn, and tell you stories, and get a PhD, and scratch your back, and tie the bows in the backs of your dresses, and do the taxes AND the dishes, and take you to the airport at 4:00 am, and cheer for you you at seven spots when you run a marathon.  It's a little bit dumb to agree to marry someone you have only known for 3 months, but this is the best dumb decision you could ever make.


Dear 28-year-old Kate,

Don't let anyone make you think you could be going to hell because of your beliefs. You know better than that. Also, this isn't something that comes naturally for you, but it's prudent to keep your mouth shut sometimes.


Dear 30-year-old Kate,

It's been getting better and better and better.  There's no reason for that to change just because you're 30.  There are surely wonderful things ahead.

Reflections in the Mirror

I think most women (and a lot of men, too) can relate to having had periods of life in which we care a lot more than we reasonably should about our appearance. I personally have spent more time than I’d like to admit looking in the mirror, scrutinizing every physical aspect of myself. “Are my cheeks too chubby?” “Have I gained weight?” “Why am I so short?” “Does my hair look okay?” And then, even worse - when I leave the house, I turn that mirror outward by way of comparison to other women. “She’s so much prettier than me.” “I wish I had her smile.” “She pulls off that outfit way better than I ever could.” “She’s so skinny – it’s just not fair!” I spend altogether too much time focused on how I look, and comparing myself to others.

I can honestly say that my physical self-scrutiny has not made me an (even slightly!) improved person, and it CERTAINLY has not made the world one iota better. But lately I have been wondering – what if I applied that same perfectionism to my internal qualities? Instead of spending hours dwelling on how I look, counting every calorie (consumed and burned), practicing my smile… what if I instead used that energy to ask questions like, “What have I done today to show kindness to those around me?” “Have I been a good steward of my environment?” “Am I aware of current events and issues around the world?” “How can I use my skills and resources to better my community?” “Am I bringing joy to the people I encounter today?”

I don’t know if I can blame my obsession with physical appearance on culture, mass media, or if it’s just my own personal vanity, but up until recently I have placed so much more emphasis on the first set of questions than the second. And it has gotten me nowhere. Short of plastic surgery, there is nothing I can do about my chubby cheeks. Other than a short pre-wedding stint, I been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for probably the past 15 years. Nothing will EVER change about my height. My hair is gonna look just fine whether I run that flat iron through it for 5 more minutes or not. But that second set of questions – the answers to those are malleable. The answers to those are what people will remember about me (unlike my never-quite-straight hair or the 4 pounds I’ve gained!). The answers to those have the power to change the world, even if it’s just a little bit. A lot of little bits add up.

In light of all of this, I’m going to make a concerted effort to follow these guidelines:

1. Making physical comparisons to other women is not only futile, but it is almost masochistic. There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier, someone thinner, someone with better hair or better clothes or a better smile. Comparing my appearance to that of other women will never do anything but make me feel inferior. Plus, it’s shallow.

2. I don’t have to be the prettiest girl in the room if I can be fun, interesting, energetic, and social. This is a mentality I have been embracing for a few months now. I actually had a discussion about this with a new friend at a party last night. There were a lot of really beautiful girls there, but he told me that when he tried to engage them in conversation, they weren’t particularly vibrant or friendly. Phyiscal beauty might initially catch someone’s eye, but a fun personality is what creates lasting attraction.

3. We all have limited time, energy, and capacity. I want to use mine for good. “Good” can take on a variety of forms for different people, but for me it means making people smile and laugh, being sincerely interested in the lives of others, participating in social activism, and having a general awareness of the world around me.

4. The aforementioned 3 guidelines are not an excuse for poor health. It’s difficult to be the best person I can be if I’m not physically healthy. A de-emphasis on weight, for example, doesn’t mean that I don’t need to exercise or that I can stuff my face with sugar. But my reasons for making these choices should shift from a focus on how they will make me look, to how they will make me feel… and in turn, how I can be a positive force in the world.

Next time we look in the mirror, I hope we can all see beyond the perceived imperfections, and focus on that which is really important. We'll be happier people, and the world will be a better place.

Post-Vacation Gratitude

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled, whiny yuppy, I'm just going to come out and say it: coming back to reality after an incredible trip abroad sucks. I spent 11 glorious days traveling in Colombia with two of my best friends in the world, and most of that time was spent with our wonderful hostesses - two other close friends who live in Cartagena, right on the coast.

We had the most perfect blend of adventures, scandals, funny moments, pampering, and lazy beach/poolside time. We met strangers from all over the globe who quickly became friends. We got massages and manis and pedis and various other "spa services". We traveled by boat from one beach to another. We laughed at each other's pathetic Spanish skills (okay, so mostly it was them laughing, justifiably, at me. Apparently "escuchame" means "listen to me", not "excuse me". oops). We stayed out late and "salsa danced" (note the quotations). The weather was perfect. The company was perfect. It was the kind of experience that you return from wanting to share with everyone.

I thought that by the time it was over, I'd be ready to get back to real life. That I'd be ready to sleep in my own bed, spend time with my other friends and family, have hot showers, go back to work, and generally be a productive member of society.

I thought wrong.

The last few days have been a really difficult adjustment. They've been lonely - polar opposite from the previous 11, spent in the company of friends 24/7. When something you've been anticipating for so long comes and goes, there's this feeling of "what next?" What is there to look forward to now?

Although it's normal to feel like this at the end of something big (we've all heard about the post-wedding depression that many brides experience after their wedding day is over, for example), I'm really trying to put the whole thing into perspective. There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, and excited about. Maybe it's not something as big as a South American adventure, but it's important to find joy in the small things as well: celebrating with a newly-engaged friend, having a date night with my husband, that first long outdoor spring run, spending time with my my sister when she's home for spring break.

It's also important to be grateful for the relationships that make the "big things" possible. I'm nothing short of blessed by having close friends with whom to go on travel adventures, and friends who are LIVING the adventures and are willing to host vacationers. I'm blessed by having a husband who is not only supportive of "girls only" trips, but almost insistent upon me taking them. These are the permanent intangibles that make life wonderful... not just the brief physical experiences themselves.

So today I'm choosing to stop with the "my vacation is over" pity party, and just be grateful. Grateful for the experience and the memories, grateful for the people in my life. And grateful for the every-day things that are worth smiling about.

Why Marriage Equality Matters

If you spend much time in conversation with me, peruse my Facebook page, hack into my e-mail to see what mailing lists I subscribe to, or take a look at the rear bumper of my car, you quickly will discover that I am an adamant supporter of LGBT equality. Now, there are many inequality concerns facing this community, but the one that is currently getting the most press is that of gay marriage. This is an issue on which I take a VERY strong stance.
While the majority of my generation, regardless of political or religious affiliation, does support gay marriage, I think that some people wonder why, as a woman married to a man, I consider this such a personally important issue. Why should it matter so much to me?

Unlike many young Americans, I do not believe that marriage is an outdated institution. I actually think that marriage is extremely positive for society. We do better as a culture when individuals are partnered in dyads. Children (on the whole) fare better when raised in two-parent households. The prominent conservative attorney Theodore Olson hit the nail on the head with his assertion that marriage “transforms two individuals into a union based on shared aspirations, and in doing so establishes a formal investment in the well-being of society.”

On a personal level, marriage has been incredibly life-enhancing for me. I have been lucky enough to find my perfect match, and on my wedding day, I was 110% ready to make that legally-binding commitment to him. Every day, Ben and I re-commit ourselves to one another by choosing to remain legally bound. Do we NEED that piece of paper, issued by the government, to legitimize our relationship? Absolutely not. Does it come with certain (many) inherent privileges that we enjoy as a result of our decision to tie the knot? Definitely. Does every consenting, committed, adult couple deserve the same status as us, if they choose it? YES.

I believe that marriage should be upheld in our culture as important and legitimate. To steal a phrase from marriage equality opponents, I believe in the “sanctity of marriage.” And that is exactly why I DO support marriage for same-sex couples. In addition to the approximately 1,050 unique legal benefits that come with marriage (social security benefits, family medical leave act protections, federal tax filing/exemptions, the right to hospital visits and decision-making in health emergencies, etc. ), there is also the intangible quality of being able to say “I am married to my partner.” Every person deserves these benefits, whether his or her partner happens to be of the same or opposite sex. To deny the right of marriage to gay and lesbian couples is BLATANT discrimination.

It breaks my heart that there are nearly one million couples in America who, simply because of their sexual orientation, are denied the status of marriage that Ben and I enjoy, and that is so pivotal to society. If you are married (or if you are heterosexual and plan to marry someday), you too are part that privileged majority. To not speak out against this inequality is to effectively promote it.

I will not endorse systematic discrimination. And that, friends, is why this issue matters to me.

“To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.” –Abraham Lincoln