Reflections in the Mirror

I think most women (and a lot of men, too) can relate to having had periods of life in which we care a lot more than we reasonably should about our appearance. I personally have spent more time than I’d like to admit looking in the mirror, scrutinizing every physical aspect of myself. “Are my cheeks too chubby?” “Have I gained weight?” “Why am I so short?” “Does my hair look okay?” And then, even worse - when I leave the house, I turn that mirror outward by way of comparison to other women. “She’s so much prettier than me.” “I wish I had her smile.” “She pulls off that outfit way better than I ever could.” “She’s so skinny – it’s just not fair!” I spend altogether too much time focused on how I look, and comparing myself to others.

I can honestly say that my physical self-scrutiny has not made me an (even slightly!) improved person, and it CERTAINLY has not made the world one iota better. But lately I have been wondering – what if I applied that same perfectionism to my internal qualities? Instead of spending hours dwelling on how I look, counting every calorie (consumed and burned), practicing my smile… what if I instead used that energy to ask questions like, “What have I done today to show kindness to those around me?” “Have I been a good steward of my environment?” “Am I aware of current events and issues around the world?” “How can I use my skills and resources to better my community?” “Am I bringing joy to the people I encounter today?”

I don’t know if I can blame my obsession with physical appearance on culture, mass media, or if it’s just my own personal vanity, but up until recently I have placed so much more emphasis on the first set of questions than the second. And it has gotten me nowhere. Short of plastic surgery, there is nothing I can do about my chubby cheeks. Other than a short pre-wedding stint, I been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for probably the past 15 years. Nothing will EVER change about my height. My hair is gonna look just fine whether I run that flat iron through it for 5 more minutes or not. But that second set of questions – the answers to those are malleable. The answers to those are what people will remember about me (unlike my never-quite-straight hair or the 4 pounds I’ve gained!). The answers to those have the power to change the world, even if it’s just a little bit. A lot of little bits add up.

In light of all of this, I’m going to make a concerted effort to follow these guidelines:

1. Making physical comparisons to other women is not only futile, but it is almost masochistic. There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier, someone thinner, someone with better hair or better clothes or a better smile. Comparing my appearance to that of other women will never do anything but make me feel inferior. Plus, it’s shallow.

2. I don’t have to be the prettiest girl in the room if I can be fun, interesting, energetic, and social. This is a mentality I have been embracing for a few months now. I actually had a discussion about this with a new friend at a party last night. There were a lot of really beautiful girls there, but he told me that when he tried to engage them in conversation, they weren’t particularly vibrant or friendly. Phyiscal beauty might initially catch someone’s eye, but a fun personality is what creates lasting attraction.

3. We all have limited time, energy, and capacity. I want to use mine for good. “Good” can take on a variety of forms for different people, but for me it means making people smile and laugh, being sincerely interested in the lives of others, participating in social activism, and having a general awareness of the world around me.

4. The aforementioned 3 guidelines are not an excuse for poor health. It’s difficult to be the best person I can be if I’m not physically healthy. A de-emphasis on weight, for example, doesn’t mean that I don’t need to exercise or that I can stuff my face with sugar. But my reasons for making these choices should shift from a focus on how they will make me look, to how they will make me feel… and in turn, how I can be a positive force in the world.

Next time we look in the mirror, I hope we can all see beyond the perceived imperfections, and focus on that which is really important. We'll be happier people, and the world will be a better place.