The Privilege of Saying Good-bye

Last night I went to a going-away party for a close friend who is moving to New York at the end of the month for an amazing job opportunity. She will be my 7th friend to relocate away from the Minneapolis area in 2011 (5 girl friends and two fantastic spouses). This particular woman, over the past few years, has become my go-to person for Friday night happy hour plans, my nutrition and fitness consultant, my relationship guru, my cheering squad (literally, during the marathon), my confidant.... my family. Her absence is going to leave more than a small gap in my life... it's going to permeate throughout everything.

I guess my friends' moves can be chalked up to the phase of life that we are in: 30ish, beginning to settle down into a permanent location, becoming established in careers, etc. One great part about having friends in other cities is that it provides excuses (aka opportunities!) to travel, and that is exciting. But, as fun as that is, there's nothing like having the closest people in life being within an arm's reach on a daily basis.

So, while 2011 has been an incredibly fun-filled, amazing, nearly perfect year, it's a little unsettling to think about what 2012 will bring, with so many of my favorite people absent from daily life. During this holiday season, which has been wonderfully joyful and rich so far, there's this slight but definite unsettled feeling of anticipated loneliness. But, stronger than that, there is a feeling of wholeness and blessing. In the past few years, I've developed a particular sense of appreciation for the most important women in my life. I'm truly grateful, both for those who have left, and for those who are sticking around (and this post should in no way be interpreted as minimizing the importance of those who are still here!). It's hard to say good-bye to yet another friend this year. But at the same time, it's a blessing to have friends who are significant enough to evoke a feeling of loss as they move away. The truth is, it is a privilege to say good-bye.

Religion: A dichotomy or a spectrum?

Someone asked me last night if I was planning to keep blogging now that the marathon is over. Well, the truth is that my inspiration to blog usually comes when I’m on a long run, and since the marathon I really haven’t done any long runs, until today. I did 10 miles (on a treadmill), and it felt absolutely fantastic. I am excited to get back into the habit of doing one long-ish run each week, because it really helps me mentally and emotionally, and provides a great base for when I want to start training for my next run. Today’s run, coupled with a really fantastic message I heard at church, made me decide to get back on the blog wagon.

People who know me well know that I very much enjoy discussing and learning about religions and theology. I don't mind dissent and disagreement, I love to listen to ideas, and I’m not afraid to tell people what I believe. Sometimes it seems like nearly everyone disagrees with me, because I fall neither into the fundamentalist “Christian” camp, or the “spiritual but not religious” camp. Today’s message at church was about this (false) dichotomy. It is often assumed that people fall into one of two categories: fundamentalist (this could apply to any religion, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to use Christian terms), or anything-goes “spiritual but not religious”. On the fundamentalist side are the things that studies have shown most non-Christians view Christians as: narrow minded, exclusivist, very focused on who’s in or who’s out (aka who is “saved”). On the other side is a person who doesn’t hold on to any set of beliefs about God or divinity, or who picks and chooses “cafeteria style” what they want to believe. I would argue that every single person holds cafeteria style faith, but that’s a whole other topic in itself.

Part of the message that I heard today focused on the idea that these two points of view are not dichotomous, but rather are two extremes of a spectrum, and that it’s okay - and positive - to fall in the middle. I’m not sure. If these views are on a spectrum, I definitely don’t think it’s a “normal curve”, with most people in the middle. It seems that most people fall on one end or the other. Maybe it just seems that way because the people who do fall on the extremes are the “loudest”.

I have to admit that I feel more comfortable talking to people on the left end of the “spectrum” than the right. I absolutely cannot subscribe to the idea of a God that would only “save” those who hold a certain religious belief. The fundamentalist Christian view is that God “saves” (i.e. sends to heaven) only those who believe that Jesus is God-incarnate and was resurrected from the dead. This idea is so absurd to me that it’s hard to even talk about rationally. You’re telling me that the Creator/Sustainer of the universe would only let people into heaven if they believe that one man rose from the dead 2,000 years ago?? And every other human being who has ever lived gets condemned to an eternal hell?? It makes NO SENSE in my mind. If my choice is to believe in that or nothing, I would definitely choose nothing.

But maybe there is a third choice.

Today’s message introduced me to the idea that Jesus himself was not exclusivist, and that these exclusionary ideas that are held by some Christians are not the message that Jesus came to bring. After all, Jesus talked to people of all kinds, accepted people of all kinds, welcomed people of all kinds. I’m struggling with this idea, though, because fundamentalists use quotes from Jesus like “no one comes to the father except through me” as evidence that a person who doesn’t believe in Jesus is not following God and therefore is not “saved”. But is it possible that those verses have been taken out of context by people who want to scare others into conforming to their ideas? Is it possible that following Jesus actually means to live one’s life in the way that he did – closing the door to “us vs. them” thinking, treating all people equally, loving one another without regard to differences, helping those who need help? And that it means doing these thing not with the ulterior motive of changing other people’s religious beliefs, but simply because it is the right thing to do? Maybe that’s a view that more of us who fall “in the middle of the spectrum” can get behind.

I welcome any and all feedback regarding these ideas or others. I view beliefs/religions, just like everything else in life, as fluid and dynamic and a constant learning process, not something that is decided upon one time and unchangeable. The views I hold now are nowhere close to those I held 10 years ago, and I would guess that in 10 more years I will be saying the same thing. I'm grateful for the ability to learn, grow, and change.

Having the Courage to Suck

I spent the first half of this weekend at a church leadership retreat. My church is the most courageous organization I have been a part of. In July, we did a project called Pause, Listen, and Learn. We didn’t meet for regular Sunday services for the month; instead, we went out in small groups to other communities of faith – everything from a Ba’hai center to a Mosque to a conservative Baptist congregation, to a Catholic community. Some people in the community also conducted interviews with over 100 people who are part of the church to talk to them about what is working for them and what is not, and what they’d like to see change. A lot of other learning opportunities went on during July as well. We’re coming up on our 5^th year as a congregation and trying to take an honest look at how to continue to grow and remain relevant for the community. I’m proud of my church because it’s the only church I know of that would do something so challenging and out of the ordinary. I’m proud because we’re not afraid to ask the “big questions”, and to challenge our community to do the same. One thing that came up a few times at the retreat was the importance of having the courage to suck.

What I think that means in the context of being a leader of a church community is this: not everything we try (as individuals or a community) is going to work. We’re not going to be good at everything we do, and sometimes we’ll work really hard at something and it will just flop. But, that’s better than not doing it at all. It’s an opportunity for growth and learning, and it shows people that we have thick skin and the drive to achieve something positive for the sake of the community and the world.

Today I had my 20 mile run (the longest run before the marathon). It did not go well. At all. I ran about a 12.5 minute mile pace. My goal time (5 hours) is over 1 minute per mile faster than that. I looked at the results from the Twin Cities Marathon last year, and out of over 8000 runners, only a few dozen finished at that pace or slower. Today’s run reminded me that I am not a natural runner. I have to work really really hard at it, and even then, I’m not good. Of all the people who run a marathon, I am one of the worst.

I came home feeling really discouraged. Why would I want to do something when I’m going to be one of the worst of all the people who do it? (Even if I do finish in my 5 hour goal time, I’m still slower than about 85% of participants.) Why would I want to subject myself to tens of thousands of people watching me struggle to do something that so many others are doing so much better? But I’m remembering the benefit of having the courage to suck.

In this context, this means being brave enough to try something that I’m not good at. Putting the maximum amount of effort and sacrifice into it. Persevering even when I don’t want to. Not comparing myself to other people. Seeing the value in doing it, even when other people are doing it better. Improving next time around.

So, Instead of feeling sorry for myself and wishing I had more talent at running, I’ve decided to be proud of having the courage to suck. I've heard the joke that the person who finished last in their medical school class is still a doctor. The person who finishes the marathon last is still a marathoner.

Top Summer Moments

Well, it's officially September. The summer flew by so fast I can hardly believe it. It's been one of the most fantastic summers ever. I took some time to think about what some of the highlights were during June, July, and August. Below is my list of Top Summer Moments. I decided to remove all of the names of the friends involved in these events (since I didn't get anyone's permission to use their names), but I am so grateful to all of you who made the summer beautiful.

Surprise 5th Anniversary Date
I surprised Ben on June 3rd, the 5th anniversary of the first day we met, by re-creating our first date, which included dinner on the patio at Old Chicago, a walk in Central Park in Roseville, ice cream (originally at Ben and Jerry's in Stadium Village, but unfortunately it no
longer exists, so we had to go with Plan B, Annie's Parlor) and a game of checkers... he won both the first time and this time)

The Great MN Send-off
This was a party hosted by a friend at her family farm/winery for several friends who were leaving Minnesota for other adventures. While it was sad to have to say good-bye, it was a super fun party. Proof that we all had a great time: at breakfast the next morning, a bottle of advil was passed around. Half of the table took some because of being hung over, and the other half took some because they're sore from the bungee run and/or slip'n'slide.

4th of July
This day actually had its ups and downs, but I'd like to stick to discussing the "ups". Ben and I met up at Powderhorn Park with a bunch of friends (and both sets of our parents), and enjoyed a great picnic, interesting people-watching, fire dancers, and fireworks. And there were Twizzlers, so of course Ben was happy.

Visiting a Jewish Temple
In July, my church did this interesting experiment called Pause, Listen, and Learn. We didn't have regular church services in July, but instead we went to other congregations/communities of faith. Visiting Mount Zion Temple was one of the most profound religious experiences I have had. I have had a strong interest in Judaism since about 7th grade, but this was my first time (besides going to a Bat Mitzvah when I was 13) going to an actual Jewish worship service. Maybe a discussion of my views on Judaism would be better suited for another posting.

Bachelorette Season Finale Party
This might sound like the dumbest thing ever, but some of my friends and I enjoy the guilty pleasure of watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette (reality TV at its finest!). A few girls got together to view the finale and watch Ashley the Bachelorette begin the rest of her life (okay, probably not) with her new fiance JP. It's hard to explain why this night made the list of Top Summer Moments. I think what was so great about the whole night was how casual it was. Someone made reference to us being like a big (sort of dysfunctional) family. At one point one person left to randomly go for a run, another was doing toe exercises the whole time, and another showed up at the very end of the show... it really just exemplified that the definition of "family" doesn't have to mean the people you live with or are related to.

The "really good" TND
TND, or Thursday Night Dinner, is an almost weekly tradition that has been going on for a few years now. TND is always one of my weekly highlights, but one week in July, it was just exceptionally good. After consuming large quantities of amazing food (and I MIGHT have had two servings of homemade ice cream cake), we moved to the ridiculously comfy brown couches (which is a whole other joke that I just can't explain adequately), took awkward photos, and laughed about making up lyrics to Kum-By-Ya. As we were heading out the door, one person said, to no one in particular, "that was a really good TND". I think I'll always remember that night as the "really good" TND.

Ben's 30th birthday at Al Vento
Ben turned 30 on July 19! To celebrate the end of a decade, we had dinner together at Al Vento. I know that turning 30 isn't really an achievement, persay, but having a milestone birthday is a good time to reflect on the past, present, and future. I really can't adequately express how proud I am of Ben and the things he has accomplished. I don't think I know anyone more successful than him.

Ben's Birthday Bonanza
We had a big birthday party for Ben this year. I think somewhere around 30 people showed up for Beer, Pancakes, and Jeopardy. Ben made a Jeopardy game (with trivia about him and his interests) from scratch using PowerPoint, and we were able to hook it up from my laptop onto our flat screen. In my opinion, it was a big success!

My Birthday Mexican Fiesta
My birthday fell on a Thursday, so to celebrate, I hosted TND at my house. We did a special co-ed TND, which was nice because it meant that Ben did most of the cooking. :) We had a Mexican-themed night, complete with frozen mango margaritas (this was also the night I discovered by unusually strong love for fresh mangos). The best part of the night, by far, was playing pin the mustache/tail/sombrero on the burro (donkey)... and taking a lovely picture with all of us WEARING the mustaches!

Puzzle Play
One Friday night in August, 8 of us (I think) went to this very interesting spy-themed puzzle show. It was a live role playing game theatrical/interactive performance, where we had to solve a series of puzzles. It took place in this random unmarked building in a weird part of NE Minneapolis, and we joked that we might not come out alive. I'm doing a really bad job of describing this experience, but you'll just have to take my word that it was fun!

Marathon Training
This isn't exactly a "moment", but a series of many long (sometimes 4-hour!) moments. I've really enjoyed the experience of training for a marathon. It's been very challenging, and there have been some times when I've felt like giving up on the goal, but it's really been one of the most rewarding things I've done. On my last long run, I kept repeating the mantra "running is a privledge". I honestly believe that.

Random Day on Lake Minnetonka
One day, about an hour after I'd finished a 17-mile run, I got a text from a friend, asking if I'd like to go out on her friend's boat on Lake Minnetonka. I did a mental assessment, and decided that I felt good enough to go. So off we went, to this random guy's boat, with all these random people we didn't know. It turned out to be one of the most fun days of the summer. We parked our boat at Big Island, where 20-30 other boats were, and spent the day swimming and generally enjoying ourselves. There may or may not have been a keg with (what used to be a lawn ornament) pink flamingo bong involved. I am not a beer drinker, but it made for some interesting entertainment.

Bachlorette Party
A couple weeks ago, we celebrated a friend's upcoming wedding with a bachelorette party at the maid of honor's parents' house on Lake Riley. The afternoon was consumed with sitting on the dock reading magazines and chatting. Then had a great dinner and spent the evening in front of a bonfire telling scary stories. Can't wait for the wedding!

Wisconsin Dells
This trip was the "creme de lae creme" of the summer. Ben, 2 other girl friends, and I spent 3 days at Wisconsin Dells for Dellpollo '11, aka Delltastic Voyage, aka Ben and the Girls in 3D (Dells, Ducks, and Da Water Park). We did it all: Noah's Ark Waterpark, Rippley's Believe it or Not Museum, Wisconsin Ducks, Mini Golfing at Pirate's Cove (the winner got to pick the flavor of fudge we bought later... and good times ensued), Kalahari indoor Theme Park, and Tommy Bartlett's waterski show. Things we decided to save for next year's trip: Old Time Photos, pining (I mean mining) for gemstones, the deer park, and skinny dipping.

What Makes a Person Happy, alternatively titled: Why I don't have Babies

It seems like recently I’ve been getting questioned a lot about babies: when am I going to have one, isn’t it about time, etc.? Every time I turn down an alcoholic drink, it seems people look at me wondering "could it be??" In many ways, Ben and I are in the prime position to have a baby: we’ve been married over 4 years, we own a house in a good neighborhood, we’re financially stable, etc. The one “little” thing that’s missing is our DESIRE to have a baby! Recently, we had a really nice date night in which we reflected on where we are now vs. where we thought we’d be at this age (Ben just turned 30). A lot of things are different than what we thought they would be, but we both agreed that they’re BETTER than we ever would have imagined. One piece of that difference is related to the kid factor - we both thought we’d have a baby by this point in our lives. The thing is, though, that we are so incredibly happy and content with our lives right now. We’re busy and active. We love to travel and go on vacations to tropical places. We love being able to make spontaneous plans. We're active in our community, and we both feel like we are positively contributing to society. In short, we are a full and complete family.

Speaking of being a family, one of the things that really irks me is when a woman is pregnant and someone comments that she and her husband are “starting a family”. That’s totally false! A family is started when two people make a life-long commitment to one another to be partners. Children are welcome additions to many families, but their presence or absence is not indicative of whether a family exists.

I’ve heard many people say that having children makes them happier. However, research has shown that to not actually be true in general. Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard professor who has spent his life studying what makes people happy (and author of a really great book called Stumbling on Happiness), sites some interesting research on this matter: http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/blog/200606heres_to_tofu_baseball_heroin8.html.

You can also watch Dr. Gilbert on The Colbert Report:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/89235/june-27-2007/daniel-gilbert

Turns out, there IS a small effect of children on happiness... but it's a negative effect. That's right - having children actually makes people, on the whole, LESS happy. Seems counter-intuitive, but here's the thing - since parents have to give up so much in order to have kids, it’s self-preserving to believe that having kids increases happiness... even though the evidence suggests the opposite.

Now, I’m not saying that having kids is a bad decision. (after all, one could make the argument that an increase in happiness is not the ultimate goal of life... plus, if no one did it, humanity would end). I’m not even saying that Ben and I won’t eventually decide to go down that path. But, I do have a problem with the mentality that it's a necessary element of familial life for everyone.

We love our little family, and we love our life. I think we can both honestly say that we are happier now than we ever have been before.

Um... I thought you said RUM!

As referenced by the website of this blog, I am a runner. For many years, I refused to call myself a runner because I have never been very GOOD at running. But, now that I have run several long races (ranging from 6.2 to 15.5 miles - 10K to 25K), and am currently training for a full marathon, I guess that qualifies me as a "runner".

So, I'm on week 10 of an 18 week marathon training program. I'm registered for the Twin Cities Marathon (nicknamed "the most beautiful urban marathon in America") on October 2nd. This is the first race I'm training for by myself. I've trained for all my other races with a friend. While I really enjoy running with a friend, I also have come to embrace my long solo runs. How often do we get to have several hours of uninterrupted "me time"? So far, training has been successful and relatively pain-free.

Here are some FAQs about running this marathon:

Q. Why did you decide to run a full marathon?
A. I've enjoyed running various lengths of races for a few years now, and I think that for any runner, a marathon is the ultimate challenge and accomplishment. Since I'm in relatively good running shape, I figured that now is as good of a time as any to tackle 26.2.

Q. But Kate, you're the least athletic person I know! What makes you think YOU can run a marathon??
A. Well, I'm glad you asked! It's true - my whole life, I've been told (especially by my well-intentioned but ultimately unhelpful mother) that I have absolutely no athletic ability or potential. I was never good at sports (again, I think I was discouraged by my mom growing up) and hated Phy Ed. I'm not a natural athlete, that's for sure. But, I've worked my way up to having a level of endurance and strength to be able to run 26.2. Luckily, you don't need to be very coordinated to run... mostly you just need motivation and perseverance. If I can run a marathon, anyone can - seriously.

Q. What are you doing to train for the race?
A. My favorite running plans are Hal Higdon's. I'm using one of his free plans that I found online. I run 3 shorter runs during the week (this week it's two 4-milers and one 8-miler), and then one progressively longer run on either Saturday or Sunday (this week, 17 miles). I have been doing the long run on either Saturday or Sunday depending on the weather and how late I'm out the night before! So far, I've run every single mile that my schedule tells me to run. There's also one day per week of cross-training, and two days of rest. I also do 2 or 3 days per week of strength training, even though that's not actually part of my plan.

Q. Um... is this really a good idea? Didn't the first person to ever run a marathon DIE at the end?
A. That's totally just a myth! Referring to the Battle of Marathon. I'm not planning to die.

Q. Do you run very fast?
A. Nope!

Q. Can I watch you during the race?
A. YES!! There's even a new thing where you can sign up to receive texts telling you where your favorite runners are in the race. Last year, when I ran the TC10miler, it didn't work very well, but I'm hoping that the kinks are worked out this year. Once I have a better idea of the pace at which I'll be running, I'll figure out the approximate times I'll be passing popular spectator locations. Having supporters is so helpful, especially toward the end.

I really appreciate all the encouragement I've received so far throughout this process - especially from Ben, who was initially skeptical but who has proven to be so supportive. Thanks!

30 things I've done

Hello friends! This is the first attempt I've ever had at starting a blog. I've been doing a lot of running lately, and it seems like every time I'm on a long run, I think to myself "I really want to start a blog." And I come up with all these "brilliant" ideas about interesting things I can write about. Once the adrenaline and runner's high wears off, the ideas seem a lot less brilliant, which is why I haven't actually started the blog, until now. I don't expect my writing to be polished, super creative, or maybe even interesting. It's mostly just a chronicle of my life and thoughts that I'd like to share with whoever might be inclined to read them.

I'm turning 29 next week, and recently I came up with a list of 30 of the most significant things that I've done so far (since graduating from high school 10 years ago). It was a little hard to pare it down to just 30, but it was a good exercise in remembering some of the significant events in my life and how they have shaped me. In creating this list, I did a lot of thinking about where I am now compared to 10 years ago, and how far I've come in that time. I really feel like my late 20s have been "The best years", which is the namesake of the blog. I am happier and healthier now than I think I ever have been in my life. Although it's easy (especially around a birthday, as I lament getting older and wonder where all the time has gone) to think that all the best times are behind me, I also remember that there is a lot of life yet to be had and a lot of great things coming up. That's why I am also working on a list of 30 more things I'd like to do before I turn 30 (stay tuned!).

30 before 30 - the Past 10 years:

1. Graduated from high school #4 in my class, and gave the commencement address

2. Started college at Luther

3. Joined a sorority, XOP

4. Served as pledge mistress of XOP

5. Studied Abroad in South Africa

6. Conquered heartbreak

7. Discovered the freedom of breaking out of an unhealthy relationship

8. Worked at WAPO – a childhood dream

9.Became part of Psy Chi and Phi Beta Kappa (honor societies)

10. Conquered an even worse heartbreak

11. Studied abroad in Greece and Turkey

12. Graduated from Luther with highest honors (Summa Cum Laude)

13. Moved to Minneapolis

14. Began graduate school at the U of M

15. Went to Hawaii with friends from graduate school

16. Was both a tutor and nanny at College Nannies and Tutors

17. Met the love of my life

18. Went to Duluth/North Shore and got engaged

19. Completed an internship at Augsburg College

20. Graduated from graduate school

21. Had a beautiful wedding

22. Honeymooned in Jamaica

23.Began my first real job, as an academic advisor at Walden

24. Supported my husband through a life-threatening illness

25. Took a vacation to LA

26. Bought a house

27. Started a new job at Walden as Coordinator of Field Experiences

28. Took a vacation to Dominican Republic

29. Took a vacation to Mexico

30. Took a girls’ trip to Vegas with friends