What Makes a Person Happy, alternatively titled: Why I don't have Babies

It seems like recently I’ve been getting questioned a lot about babies: when am I going to have one, isn’t it about time, etc.? Every time I turn down an alcoholic drink, it seems people look at me wondering "could it be??" In many ways, Ben and I are in the prime position to have a baby: we’ve been married over 4 years, we own a house in a good neighborhood, we’re financially stable, etc. The one “little” thing that’s missing is our DESIRE to have a baby! Recently, we had a really nice date night in which we reflected on where we are now vs. where we thought we’d be at this age (Ben just turned 30). A lot of things are different than what we thought they would be, but we both agreed that they’re BETTER than we ever would have imagined. One piece of that difference is related to the kid factor - we both thought we’d have a baby by this point in our lives. The thing is, though, that we are so incredibly happy and content with our lives right now. We’re busy and active. We love to travel and go on vacations to tropical places. We love being able to make spontaneous plans. We're active in our community, and we both feel like we are positively contributing to society. In short, we are a full and complete family.

Speaking of being a family, one of the things that really irks me is when a woman is pregnant and someone comments that she and her husband are “starting a family”. That’s totally false! A family is started when two people make a life-long commitment to one another to be partners. Children are welcome additions to many families, but their presence or absence is not indicative of whether a family exists.

I’ve heard many people say that having children makes them happier. However, research has shown that to not actually be true in general. Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard professor who has spent his life studying what makes people happy (and author of a really great book called Stumbling on Happiness), sites some interesting research on this matter: http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/blog/200606heres_to_tofu_baseball_heroin8.html.

You can also watch Dr. Gilbert on The Colbert Report:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/89235/june-27-2007/daniel-gilbert

Turns out, there IS a small effect of children on happiness... but it's a negative effect. That's right - having children actually makes people, on the whole, LESS happy. Seems counter-intuitive, but here's the thing - since parents have to give up so much in order to have kids, it’s self-preserving to believe that having kids increases happiness... even though the evidence suggests the opposite.

Now, I’m not saying that having kids is a bad decision. (after all, one could make the argument that an increase in happiness is not the ultimate goal of life... plus, if no one did it, humanity would end). I’m not even saying that Ben and I won’t eventually decide to go down that path. But, I do have a problem with the mentality that it's a necessary element of familial life for everyone.

We love our little family, and we love our life. I think we can both honestly say that we are happier now than we ever have been before.