"April Fools - We're Getting Divorced!" ...Reflections One Year Later

There hasn't been a day in the past 365 that I haven't thought about April 1st, 2013.  This was the worst day of my life: the day my husband told me that he wanted to separate.  And by separate, he meant that very night - packed up and left within two hours of telling me that our marriage was over.  April 1st feels almost dreamlike; some of the details are super hazy (What exactly did he say to me?  Which friends did I call that night?  Who among them thought I was pulling an April Fool's joke? Did I actually fall asleep at some point?), and some are vivid enough to be replayed in my mind in detail more frequently that I'd care to admit.

Although that night was rock bottom, the next few months were a very hilly climb back up, as I entered into what would become my "new normal".   I had moments of feeling like I'd never be myself again. I panicked about having a lack of stability.  I mistrusted a lot, worrying that other people in my life would "divorce" me as well.  I also had amazing moments of pure freedom, realizing that this change could bring about a new and exciting time in my life.

Honestly, there is a temptation to grieve today.  I'm tempted to ask myself the same questions that I asked a year ago: What could I have done to change the outcome?  What was the final straw?  How could he have made this decision, which was calculated and planned in detail weeks prior, completely unbeknownst to me?  How could I have been so naively blindsided?  Did I waste the best years of my life in a relationship that ended?

But while grief is one option, there is another: celebration.  I can celebrate that as the limits of my strength were repeatedly tested, I survived.  With every phone call I made and e-mail I sent in the first weeks after the separation, I humbled myself, admitting to yet another person that I had failed at that which had defined me.  I survived that.  I lived alone for the first time ever, during which time my security alarm went haywire, my water heater broke, and my basement flooded.  I survived that.  I packed my house for my move, leaving behind all of the physical remnants of my past.  I survived that. 

I can celebrate the adventures that I've gotten to have over the past year, which I never would have done in my old life: I've traveled a ton, moved to an amazing part of the city, experienced dating in a new way, created incredible new friendships and strengthened existing ones. Being single is actually pretty sweet.

I can celebrate that even though it ended, I have experienced a Great Love in my life.  Not everyone gets to do that.  Just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean that it wasn't significant and valuable and enriching.  Through my marriage, I learned how to love and be loved. I learned about commitment and compromise and balance. I can use those lessons for the betterment of all of my relationships, current and future.

I can celebrate that I didn't do it alone.  People didn't just shower me with support - they poured it on me by the bucket-full. Friends came forward in unique and tangible ways, and I felt like I was being held up on every side, by people who refused to let me fall.  Every text, every phone call just to check in, every note of encouragement, every meal, every offer of a place to sleep, every listening ear, every physical and metaphorical drying of tears... I can celebrate that I experienced love and loyalty in a way like never before.

And, perhaps the most importantly: I can celebrate the way in which my experiences can be helpful to others.  I've watched people struggle with their own life changes this year, and have been able to provide the perspective of being on the other side.  Life experience, even (especially) of the devastating variety, generates a kind of wisdom that isn't otherwise achievable.  This part is a work in progress, because I'm still constantly learning, but I hope that I can continue to share my story with people who might need to hear that they, too, can survive.

We don't always have choices about every life circumstance, but we CAN always choose our reactions and attitudes.  So, instead of choosing to dwell on the negative today, I'm choosing to celebrate the positive.