Things I've Learned Lately

I have experienced more growth in the past 4 months than I could ever have anticipated. Although change was forced upon me by someone else's decision, I have chosen not to be a passive recipient of the change, but to actively learn and challenge myself during the transition.  Here are the top 10 things I have learned.  I certainly don't have all of the answers (way more questions, in fact), but it's a work in progress.

In no particular order:

1. Don't take yourself too seriously.
I know that I don't always look poised or act "on point".  I also know that I'm not good at everything I do, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.  It's okay if my hair isn't perfect or I still haven't "lost those 10 pounds" I've been working on since circa 1996.  It's okay to twerk on a box at a bar full of strangers, even though my hips don't move the right way, and it's okay to belt out songs at the top of my lungs, even though I can't carry a tune.  It's okay.

2.  Don't allow yourself to live in Groundhog's Day.
It's easy to fall into a routine that involves doing the same things, at the same times, with the same people, day in and day out.  Part of living a vibrant life is mixing it up.  I don't ever want to be someone who goes to the same restaurant every week and orders the same food, or someone who runs the same path four times per week, or someone who does the same thing every Sunday afternoon.  The world is a dynamic place, and living statically is hardly living at all.

3.  Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
I'm lucky to have a significant number of people in my life who challenge me in a positive way, and make me a better person.  They are the ones to whom I will continue to devote the most time, energy, and love.  I'm intentionally bringing more people into my circles, in an effort to have a variety of perspectives and personalities. 

4. You can sleep when you're dead.
I spent far too many years confined to my 11:00 pm bedtime.  Some of the best things happen after that time.  Plus, God invented caffeine for a reason.

5. Don't dwell on what you're "supposed to" be doing/thinking/feeling.
I don't have to live based on societal norms or even my own personal views of what I should or should not be.  I can transcend the concept of "should", and replace it with "could".   There are always options, and there is not just one correct path.

6. Know that you're whole.
This is my favorite line from the most influential song I have ever heard, Midnight Radio from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  I can't depend on another person to feel complete; that comes from within. 

7. Be authentic.
I'm certainly FAR from perfect, but I'm never, ever fake.  I'm true to myself and I don't tiptoe around who I am.  Everyone who encounters me is going to encounter the real Kate, not some formulaic, fabricated version.

8. Don't limit yourself by setting expectations.
In the past four months, I've found that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought, or expected myself to be.  I can't even imagine what I might be capable of in four years, or 40 years, so I'm not going to try.  I'm just going to enjoy the process of becoming.

9. You are never alone.
No matter if I'm single or partnered, or anything in between, I am not alone and never will be.  A good friend wrote those words to me a week after my relationship status changed, and I will never forget it.

10.  Labels are for food and clothes; not people.
I won't allow anyone to slap a label on me, and I'm not going to slap one on myself.  I'm fluid, and multi-faceted, and to define myself by a word or phrase is a disservice. 

This is What Family Looks Like

Minnesotans United for All Families ran a campaign against the marriage discrimination amendment last fall called "This is what family looks like".  People submitted pictures of their non-traditional families (often a same-sex couple, with or without children).  It's great that same-sex couples can now be legally recognized as family, but there are a lot of other equally valid ideas of what family includes, which I think are important to recognize.

I recently experienced some criticism around the idea that my family values are lacking, or that I don't prioritize family in the way that I "should".   My response to that: I DO value family intensely.  But my definition of family may be different than yours.  I recently lost my primary family member, my husband, along with the entire family I married into.  My parents lost a son-in-law who they cherish(ed), and my sister lost the only brother she has ever had.  People say that friends come and go, but family is permanent.  Clearly, that is not true.  My recent experience has been a salient reminder that family takes many different forms, and that it is constantly fluctuating. 

Blood relatives are certainly very important to me, and I'm lucky enough to have a strong relationship with the family I was born into.  But family can also be CREATED.  My family includes the people who I can text to meet me at the beach at a moments' notice.  Those whose refrigerators I can open and take anything out without asking permission.  Those with whom I can stay out until the sun rises, doing whatever spontaneously comes up.  My family are the people who know the parts of me that I haven't told everyone, and who I know will accept me 100% no matter what paths I choose.  My family includes my lifelong best friend, who lives halfway across the country but who called me every day for the first two or three weeks after my marriage ended, sometimes for updates, sometimes to tell me that she loves me, sometimes to let me cry.  My family are the people with whom I can share a look and instantly "mind read" one another's thoughts.  My family are the people whose doors I don't have to knock on, because I can enter freely.  They're my ever-expanding community of people who I value and relate to and resonate with.  You will not be able to convince me that these aren't the definitions of family.

We don't share blood lines, and we aren't bound legally, but this IS what family looks like.