Stepparenting: The Good, The Bad, and The Challenging

I've been a stepmom for a few months now; just enough time to THINK I know everything about the job while realistically still having a lot to learn. But I do know this: Entering into and becoming this kind of family comes with a unique set of good, bad, and challenging elements.  Most of them are impossible to predict before the fact, and my previous attempts to prepare myself for this new life now feel laughable - just like new parents who are adjusting to life with an infant, entering into life as a stepparent simply isn't something that one can prepare for.  There aren't enough books, articles, and other resources in the world (and by this point, I think I have read everything written on this topic) to adequately understand how life changes when a person enters into stepmotherhood. I've had a really tough time articulating my experience over the last few months.  Friends have asked me how things are going, and the best answer I can give is "it's the hardest thing I've ever done."  And although that's true, it's not a real answer.  So here it is - my three-months-in, as balanced as possible, explanation of my experience of being a stepmom: The Good, The Bad, and The Challenging.  The Good 1.  I think that becoming a stepmom is the greatest gift that a woman can give to her partner.  It is extremely gratifying to know that I'm helping Pete in a profound way that no one else can.  During the early stages of our relationship, I witnessed first-hand how difficult - often devastating - single parenting was on Pete.  Now that we are co-parenting, his load is lightened.  This not only means that simple time-management things are easier (e.g. one of us can fold laundry while the other puts Lucas to bed), but also that Pete has the opportunity for a more balanced life.  Unlike before, he now has adult company every night, and when he needs a break, he can take a night off to do something that fills him up, while I take over the parenting.  We all know that we're better to others when we care for ourselves first, and in his single parent days, Pete didn't have much opportunity for that.  Being Pete's partner and co-parent gives me the opportunity not only to care for him, but also to empower him to take the time to care for himself.  2.  Stepmothering has given me the valuable opportunity to be a positive influence in Lucas's life long-term. The more caring, nurturing adults children have in their support system, the better their prospects are for success.  Pete brings a set of parenting strengths to our family, and I bring a separate set - which means Lucas gets twice as much support, structure, and love at home as he would without me.  3. I'm learning a new skill-set.  There are a variety of ways people live out their role as stepparents, and  I’ve chosen the highly active route - I help with homework, I enforce rules and discipline, I participate in bedtime routines, I plan birthday parties and gift ideas, I initiate craft projects, I help with school drop-offs and pick-ups.  Although I never thought I would be good at this before, I've been working hard at honing these skills, and it turns out...  I'm actually not too bad.    The Bad 1.  Sometimes I feel left out of my own family.  I really can't explain the sting that comes from Lucas pushing right past me to get to Pete, completely ignoring me.  Or the sting of him refusing to hug me at bedtime after I've spent my whole evening entertaining him and taking care of him.  Or the sting of not being acknowledged as a parent by other family members.  Stepmoms statistically have the worst mental health of anyone in a family, and I think a big reason for that is because we consistently receive these blows to our self-worth. Some days I feel nervous to come home because I know that I'm risking facing these blows yet again. 2.  The cliche that step-parenting is "all of the responsibility with none of the credit" could not be more true. So much of my time, energy, and resources are spent on parenting.  But yet, this work so often goes unseen and unacknowledged, both by Lucas and by others.  Bio parents often experience a similar feeling, but I think it is compounded for stepparents because our efforts are focused on a child for whom we have no legal rights, biological ties, or shared history.  We also tend to do more of the "behind the scenes" work, while our partners do the work on the "front lines".  Although Pete has been wonderful about giving me credit and building my confidence, it's still an uphill battle. 3. Although we know it's important, it's difficult for Pete and me to prioritize our relationship as #1.  Every resource I have found says that it is vital that partners in stepfamilies put their relationship first, prioritize one another, and create a strong foundation.  Without this, the family will fall apart.  This is especially important in a blended family, since the daily stresses are so much greater, divorce rates are so much higher, and the children's first model of an adult romantic relationship is one of brokenness.  That Pete and I should put each other first is a wonderful idea in theory.  But the demands of parenting and other forms of adulting stretches us so thin that sometimes it feels like we don't end up prioritizing each other to the extent that we both deserve.  The Challenging 1. I have to be very intentional about keeping my priorities and schedule balanced.  Becoming a stepmom has been a massive life change, but it doesn't mean that my other identities and values are less important now.  As mentioned above, I work hard to keep my identity as Pete's partner at the top of my priority list, just as he does for me.  I also am trying my very best to keep up with my social calendar and my groups of friends who mean so much to me and really give me life.  I’m also trying to make time for the things that benefit my mental and physical heath. Finally, I’m still working toward finding personal meaning, interests, and direction.  Keeping all of these things balanced is challenging for many people, but managing everything in addition to being a new stepparent is extra tough. 2.  Stepmoms are constantly combating systemic cultural undervaluing.  Society does not look favorably on stepmoms as a whole, and this can have a negative impact on how we view ourselves and treat ourselves.  Some stepmoms think of themselves as "less than" bio parents, and some don't even refer to themselves as stepparents unless they are married to their partner.  I have to be very careful to avoid these self-depreciating tendencies.  Most of the time, I think I'm doing okay with this. I know that my role matters.  I'm not JUST the stepmom, I AM the stepmom.  It's something that I can be, and should be, super proud of.  3. I'm still figuring out my role.  This is particularly true when it comes to behavioral problems and discipline.  Whichever "experts" say that disciplining should be left up to the biological parents have obviously never been in a room or a house alone with their stepchildren.  It's just not realistic.  But, as we have been combating a lot of behavioral issues during the past few months, Pete and I have to work together to decide how to, and who should, handle them.  We want Lucas to see me as a parent with authority in our home, but we don't want him to resent me, which could happen in this phase since he's still getting used to my permanency in his life.  Luckily, Pete and I are virtually always in agreement when it comes to rewards and consequences for Lucas, and this is just one of many things that we have the opportunity to work on, and learn from, together.  Having a teammate in this is invaluable.   Conclusions In short: This is hard.  But what that is worthwhile ISN'T hard?  I'm sure my list of good, bad, and challenging things will change a lot as time goes on, because this is such a dynamic role that I have stepped into.  But one important thing that continues to be clear is that I have the unwavering support of my partner, who is grateful that I've stepped into this role and never lets me forget it.  That alone makes it worth all of the hard parts. And finally, even when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing - and that's most of the time - the important thing is that I AM DOING IT.  And I'm going to keep doing it, and keep working on doing it well.