A Thank-You Letter to my Ex

Two years ago when I was packing in preparation to move out of the house we bought together and shared for the previous five years, I found so many emotion-filled memories.  I wrote them down for you and told you that maybe some day I'd be able to thank you for these memories.  Two years ago, I wasn't ready to say thank you.  I was so hurt by your leaving, and was grieving the loss of a future with you that would never be known.

Today, as I am again packing up my home in preparation for the next phase of life, I am finally ready to say thank you. 

Thank you for letting me go.  You knew I was feeling trapped in our life.  I desperately needed a chance to experience the kind of freedom and self-actualization I never had before.  We'd met in our early 20s, barely post-college, certainly unequipped to make a decision about what we would want "for the rest of our lives".  For most of our marriage, I was in your shadow.  My accomplishments were your accomplishments, my identity was your identity, my pride was your pride.  Since you left, I have become me.  I have my own identity, my own name, my own interests and accomplishments.  I'm proud of who I am - not of who my husband is.  The best thing you ever did for me was leave me. 

Thank you for showing me that I didn't need you.  I thought that I did. I didn't think I knew how to be an adult without you.  But necessity showed me that I could. I've learned to do everything that I need to do - on my own, using my resources, without your help.  Some of the ways that you did things were smart, and I learned from that. Some of the ways you did things were not smart, and I learned from that too.

Thank you for not letting it drag out at the end.  Once you were done, we were done.  There was no chance for mediation, counseling, or reconciliation.  My attempts to beg you to change your mind or give me another chance were met with emotionless walls of refusal.  That hurt me at the time, but now I am grateful.  The letting-go phase was the hardest, and if it had gone on for longer, as no doubt would have been the case if you had acquiesced to my wishes, the hurt would have been greater.

Thank you for being fair.  We each took what we deserved in order to equalize, nothing more and nothing less.  There were no fights about who was owed what - we knew what the math said, and neither of us had enough animosity toward the other to try to fight for more. Having now experienced the impact of a divorce that is not fair or equitable in any way, I am extraordinarily grateful that ours was.

Thank you for the opportunity to experience something honestly difficult.  This was the first time in my life that I was faced with a true tragedy: something that I didn't think I'd ever have to do, something that I didn't know if I could do, something that in some circles I was judged for.  It was only by going through this that I learned that I really am braver than I believe, smarter than I seem, and stronger than I think.  It was only by going through this that I'm now equipped to handle something much worse and much harder.  Everyone should have the opportunity to experience truly difficult things.  Not only do they provide a chance to prove strength, but they give the good things so much more meaning.

Truth be told, we were both just winging it, which is all anyone can ever do.  I'm so much happier now, and I believe, and hope, that you are also.