What Marriage Isn't

My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage.

Don't freak out.  I'm not dumb enough to agree, or ask, to marry someone I've only been dating for a few months.  Only a naive, inexperienced, overly excitable child (i.e. me at age 23) would do something that ridiculous.  Pete and are I aren't talking about getting married ourselves.  Honestly, right now we are a lot more concerned about getting him un-married, which has been a a tenuous, frustrating, and seemingly never-ending process.  But through this experience, and through thinking about my own experience of marriage and divorce, I've come up with a list of my values about what marriage is... or rather, maybe more importantly, what it is NOT. This list is a work in progress.  It's silly to think that one's ideas about any big topic, marriage included, will remain constant from one season of life to the next.  This list almost completely contradicts what 23 year-old Kate believed, and 43 year-old Kate will likely have yet another very different lens. But, in the present moment, this is what I know to be true.:

Marriage is not necessary.  Just because a couple is in a long-term relationship does not mean that they are required to get married.  It's one option, but it is not the only way to be committed and to demonstrate that commitment.

Marriage is not a status symbol.  A married person is not in any way superior to a single person, despite what mainstream culture might subtly suggest. Being married does not mean that a person is more stable, more mature, more desirable, or happier. 

Marriage does not increase commitment.  A couple's level of commitment to one another should not change upon getting married.  Marriage is a symbol of commitment, but it does not create greater commitment. 

Marriage is not gender specific.  Marriage is an equal opportunity institution, for either same or different gendered couples.  Minnesota proclaimed this loud and clear two years ago.  36 other state governments agree.  Churches and other faith communities across the nation agree.  I don't think this could be more obvious and fundamentally true.

Marriage is not an antidote to loneliness.  Some of the times I  felt the most alone were when I was married, and some of the times I felt the most included and in community with others were when I was single.  Too many people get married because they believe it will create permanent company and companionship.  It won't.

Marriage does not mean a loss of individual identity.  I was recently at a wedding where the couple lit a unity candle:  They each took separate candles, representative of their individual selves, and from those flames lit a third candle, representative of their relationship.  After lighting the unity candle, the bride and groom were then instructed by the pastor to blow out their individual candles, leaving only the joint candle to burn.  This struck me as the wrong foundation for a marriage. Being married is not a reason to extinguish one's own flame.

Marriage should not equate to starting a new life together.  By the time a couple gets married, their life together should already be created and well-established. They should know each other inside and out. They should have gotten into fights about taking out the trash or loading the dishwasher.  They should be used to falling asleep to the rhythms of one another's breathing.  There should be no post-wedding surprises or big life changes upon getting married.

Marriage does not have to be boring.  Married couples do not have to follow the traditional, Norman Rockwell American Family format.  They don't have to buy a house in the suburbs, have a dog and 2.5 children, and settle into a routine.  There is no standard rulebook for a great marriage, and every couple should be able to create for themselves what they want from their life together.  "Settling in" is not an unavoidable part of marriage.

Marriage does not come with a lifetime guarantee.  This is a hard one to swallow, because what couple ever wants to consider that their marriage may not last until death parts them?  But it's true - and recognizing and understanding that is realistic and healthy.

None of these assertions meant to undermine the importance or relevance of marriage, either at the individual or societal level. Rather, they are meant to challenge some of the perceived qualities about marriage that many people, for a variety of reasons, might believe going in.  This list is simply what I have arrived at as a result of experiences (both what I have witnessed in others, and what I have lived myself), personal beliefs, and values.  If you are married, if you have been married, or if you might someday consider getting married - I challenge you to thoughtfully come up with your own list of what marriage does or does not mean to you.