This year has started out with what frankly amounts to a series of
setbacks. I've tried to make the best of my situation(s). I've tried
to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, yet facing forward, not
backward. I've tried to count my blessings, of which there are many.
I've tried to strike a healthy balance between thinking with my head and with
my heart. I've done all these things with varying degrees of
success.
Through All of the Things, the most resounding message
I've received from family and friends is "you are so strong". This is a
well-intentioned message, meant to signify a belief in my capacity to
come out ahead despite perceived aversion.
I was recently asked "what are three words your friends
would use to describe you?". Not being sure, I posed the question to a
close friend. His response: "Eternal Ray (of) Sunshine." Absolutely
meant to be a compliment, and by most accounts, it is true. I'm
perpetually happy. I have a positive outlook and a sunny disposition. I
see not just silver, but platinum linings, even in difficult
situations.
But is absolute, unfaltering strength and positivity
really all it's cracked up to be? These qualities are the foundation
upon which I've built my life. But, there are cracks in every
foundation, and what happens if that final, crushing brick is
unexpectedly laid? Is the resulting blow ultimately worse because I've
set a precedent, both to myself and others, that I'm impervious to
weakness?
Sometimes life circumstances necessitate weakness and sadness. And
sometimes it is okay to show those emotions when we're feeling them.
Not in an attention-seeking "watch me be sad" kind of way, but in a "I'm
not afraid to be authentic" kind of way. Not in a vindictive "I'm
going to play the role of an angry martyr" kind of way, but in a "I'm
going to let you know how I feel" kind of way. Weakness and sadness and
vulnerability are not flaws, and showing them doesn't mean that a
person has inherently weak character. It just means that in the ebb and
flow of life, this phase is more ebbing than flowing.
So today I am admitting: I AM NOT THAT STRONG. I'm
accepting myself for that, and hoping that the people who matter to me will
also accept me for that. My "Eternal Ray of Sunshine" isn't lost - that
is still a part of my foundation - but it doesn't paint the whole
picture.
