You're Going to Know You're Alive

I recently was on a roller coaster at Valley Fair.  It was night time, and there was a mixture of cold wind/rain slapping our faces as we slowly creeped to the top.   I securely fastened my rainbow monkey hat, and turned to my seatmate and best buddy, Seth, and said, "I'm scared!!" His response was, "You're going to know you're alive!!"  And with that, we dropped 200 feet, screaming dizzily.

And in that moment, I knew I was alive.

Usually we associate the emotion of "alive" with feeling amazing, doing things that are life-giving.  But the human experience of aliveness is multidimensional.  Like a roller coaster, a full, authentic life has ups and downs.  And that includes the exciting, happy, fun, amazing parts.  It also includes challenging parts, and scary parts, and sad parts.  One of my favorite quotes is: "This is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Do not be afraid."   The human condition is to be afraid of the terrible things. But they shouldn't be feared.  They should be embraced, because without the low points, there could be no high points. What fun is a roller coaster that stays at the same altitude for the duration of the ride?

Sometimes the roller coasters we find ourselves on are not by our own choosing.  This year has been the most terrifying and exhilarating roller coaster of my life, and one I did not expect to go on.  But I'm grateful that even on the low parts, I know that I am alive.  Feeling the full spectrum of emotion IS the definition of being alive.  And knowing that sadness is a healthy part of that is what I'm most thankful for.

Today I'm not just thankful to be living, but I'm also thankful to be truly alive.

What are YOU thankful for?

The Burden of "Busy"

In the past 24 hours, I have done the following: 

-Hosted a few friends for drinks while we got ready for the evening
-Donned the Dorothy and Toto costumes one final time
-Rocked out at Soul Friday and the Saloon
-Post-bar, sat around a full dining room table, gobbling chips and chatting until 3:45 am
-Woke up six hours later, bright-eyed and bushy tailed
-Debriefed about the night with my roommate
-Met three lovely ladies for a run around Lake Calhoun
-Spent time with my parents at Minnehaha Falls
-Headed to Uptown to gather up some stuff I'd left at Chateau Fremont
-Walked a dog that a friend is baby-sitting for the weekend
-Skipped over to another friend's house to chat for a couple of hours

And that doesn't even touch on the seven days prior to that.  It's truly been non-stop.

Now, it's 8 pm on Saturday night, and I'm sitting alone in my apartment eating Vietnamese take-out and taking it back about 12 notches.  Normally, being by myself at home on a Saturday night would be tortuous and I'd feel lonely and bored.  But tonight I'm deliberately choosing it.  Not just because I'm tired (which I am) but because I'm consciously recognizing that it's okay to do this. 

Our culture might beg to differ.  Our culture validates busy.  Our culture equates busy with success and popularity.  Our culture (or is it just my internal compass, that I'm projecting on "culture?") tells us that if we're not busy, we should feel lonely.

I get a lot of validity from my lifestyle.  People often remark about the breadth, depth, and girth of my social calendar in a way that vacillates between envy and judgement.  I'm proud of my social stamina.

But that pride and validity needs to be intrinsic.  It can't be dependent on people, parties, and pumpkintinis (Quit rolling your eyes.  I needed the third "P", and I was at a party with people and pumpkintinis recently) to find value in who I am.

So tonight I am valuing myself and my own company.  And I know that being by myself, even on a Saturday night, doesn't mean that I am alone in a larger sense.  Busy can be a burden when it interferes with our own self-worth.  So, tonight - at least for a few hours - I'm telling myself, "Don't let it."

Whatever it is that you're getting your validity and pride from: your job, your children, your sport, your body, or your social calendar.... those are all good, worthwhile things.  But none of them are really where self-worth should come from. Tonight, for me, is about recognizing that.