Are They Really Bigots? An Alternative Response

Two weeks ago, I had the exciting, incredible, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness the dream of same-sex marriage become a reality in Minnesota.  There is no adequate way to describe the feelings of joyful victory.  I got to watch my best friend shed tears of joy as he hugged his boyfriend moments after the final vote.  I got to join thousands of supporters at the Capitol rotunda, singing hymns of praise, and our National Anthem.  I was inspired by the dozens of clergy members standing in support of equality.  Never in my life have I been so proud of my state, so proud of my community, so proud of my friends, and so happy to be living in this moment of history.  It was one of the most significant experiences of my life.

But, I also witnessed a state senator say these words: “Some people have said that they are concerned about being on the right side of history. I am more concerned about being on the right side of eternity.” The implication of that statement is not only that LGBTQ-identified people are destined for hell, but that anyone who supports marriage equality is as well.  That attitude is personally and sociologically harmful in ways that he probably will never fully understand.

Unfortunately, this senator is not alone in this thinking.  The Minnesota for Marriage campaign fought hard and long to keep "traditional marriage" in our state.  Their press release indicated that, with the passage of the bill, all those who don't support marriage equality will now be labeled as "bigots".  I have heard many people on the pro-equality side of the debate respond to that assertion by saying, "yes, that's right.  You WILL be labeled as bigots, because you ARE bigots." 

I'm not sure this response is helpful, and I'd like to propose an alternative approach.  But, before going any further, I want to acknowledge this: I have never walked down the street afraid to hold my partner's hand.  I have never been told that I can't marry the person I love.  I've never been bullied for my sexuality or been called a fag or a dyke. I don't know what it feels like to be trapped in a body with a biological sex that doesn't match my gender identity.  I have never been abandoned by my family after bravely expressing who I am.   And I want to be sensitive to the fact that some people who are reading this HAVE had these experiences and have been hurt by them in ways that I may not ever personally understand.

But: I also know people who oppose marriage equality.  I know them to be good, true, authentic people who absolutely have the best intentions.  To name-call and to point fingers shaming them for their beliefs renders US as the intolerant ones.  They are not bigots; they are not stupid; they do not lack logic; they are not immoral.  We are ALL products of our culture and upbringing, and many of our peers who are on the other side of this fight are very good and (I'm daring to say) well-intentioned people.  Maybe they grew up in a religion or a family that taught them that being gay is a sin.  Maybe they really are worried that the "traditional" family structure is threatened.

Can we respond with love instead of anger?  Although we're coming from different perspectives, can we be open to dialogue and a mutual respect for our differences?  The only way that anyone can get from one side to the other is by bridging the gap.  And to respond to people who disagree with us by calling them bigots or homophobes is not building a bridge; it is tearing it down. 

Over 70% of adults under the age of 35 are in favor of marriage equality.  In another generation, that number will assuredly grow.  But let's not let anger and hurt get in the way of our ability to increase that number. 

But more importantly, let's celebrate the fact that we're in the middle of history in the making, and that beginning in August, all Minnesotans will have equal access to civil marriage.  It's not the end of the fight for legal equality, but it's a huge step in the right direction.  Love is Louder.

You are Not Alone and Never Will Be

In early April, I received an e-mail from a good friend.  The final line was this simple message: "You are not alone and never will be."  He had no idea how powerful those words would be to me, but I have repeated them as a mantra nearly every day since. 

I am at a point in my life where I feel like I don't have a lot to give; I feel like all I can do is stretch out my arms and receive love.  So I have. And it has been incredible. I have experienced daily, living, dynamic reminders of my friend's message: I am not alone and never will be.  I have received texts, e-mails, cards, hugs, flowers, chocolate, care packages, stuffed animals, books, cookies, phone calls, lunches, dinners, jokes, memes, shopping trips, prayers, visits, referrals, help with my house, encouragement, and even rocks with (potential) metaphysical healing properties.  Each of these acts of love has touched me and has made me understand the meaning of the phrase "my cup overflows". It is honoring, and humbling, and moving, and unbelievable.

And I don't deserve it.  I am not owed any of this.  Mark did not have to let me come over in a state of shocked panic. Alicia and Rebecca were not obligated to send me stuffed animals in the mail.  Kara, Craig, Tom, Nick, and Erin were not required to treat me to lunches and dinners.  Anne didn't have to make homemade cookies, and hand-deliver them to my house.  Stace and Dave did not need to supply me with a gift card to Let's Dish to make sure that I have easy, healthy food available.  Seth didn't have to teach me how to moisturize and properly apply make-up so that I could feel pretty.  Erin didn't have to hand-deliver a May Day package to my office, on her OWN birthday.  And the list goes on, and on, and on.  I could call out by name several dozen people who have made my life not only bearable, but legitimately incredible.  Every person in my life has responded in unique and beautiful and personally appropriate ways. 

I know a multitude of people who are going through really tough situations.  Maybe there is something in the water here; I don't know.  I have a friend adjusting to life after a break-up.  One dealing with financial concerns.  Another with a serious illness. Another with some legal troubles.  Another with a sudden death in the family.  None of them, none of us, deserve the pain we are facing. 

But none of us are alone, and we never will be.  We were not created to experience life on our own, and we don't have to.  We were created for community.  The past five weeks have been some of the hardest I have ever experienced.  They have also been some of the most beautiful, because I have been constantly reminded of  these simple truths.

I fully intend, when I'm able, to pay back and/or forward all of the kindnesses that I have been shown recently.  Who in your life has provided you with an act love that you didn't deserve - a reminder that you, also, are not alone?  What simple acts of love can you participate in to remind someone in your life of the same thing?  

No matter what season of life you are finding yourself in, remember: You are not alone, and never will be.