What Makes a Person Happy, alternatively titled: Why I don't have Babies

It seems like recently I’ve been getting questioned a lot about babies: when am I going to have one, isn’t it about time, etc.? Every time I turn down an alcoholic drink, it seems people look at me wondering "could it be??" In many ways, Ben and I are in the prime position to have a baby: we’ve been married over 4 years, we own a house in a good neighborhood, we’re financially stable, etc. The one “little” thing that’s missing is our DESIRE to have a baby! Recently, we had a really nice date night in which we reflected on where we are now vs. where we thought we’d be at this age (Ben just turned 30). A lot of things are different than what we thought they would be, but we both agreed that they’re BETTER than we ever would have imagined. One piece of that difference is related to the kid factor - we both thought we’d have a baby by this point in our lives. The thing is, though, that we are so incredibly happy and content with our lives right now. We’re busy and active. We love to travel and go on vacations to tropical places. We love being able to make spontaneous plans. We're active in our community, and we both feel like we are positively contributing to society. In short, we are a full and complete family.

Speaking of being a family, one of the things that really irks me is when a woman is pregnant and someone comments that she and her husband are “starting a family”. That’s totally false! A family is started when two people make a life-long commitment to one another to be partners. Children are welcome additions to many families, but their presence or absence is not indicative of whether a family exists.

I’ve heard many people say that having children makes them happier. However, research has shown that to not actually be true in general. Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard professor who has spent his life studying what makes people happy (and author of a really great book called Stumbling on Happiness), sites some interesting research on this matter: http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/blog/200606heres_to_tofu_baseball_heroin8.html.

You can also watch Dr. Gilbert on The Colbert Report:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/89235/june-27-2007/daniel-gilbert

Turns out, there IS a small effect of children on happiness... but it's a negative effect. That's right - having children actually makes people, on the whole, LESS happy. Seems counter-intuitive, but here's the thing - since parents have to give up so much in order to have kids, it’s self-preserving to believe that having kids increases happiness... even though the evidence suggests the opposite.

Now, I’m not saying that having kids is a bad decision. (after all, one could make the argument that an increase in happiness is not the ultimate goal of life... plus, if no one did it, humanity would end). I’m not even saying that Ben and I won’t eventually decide to go down that path. But, I do have a problem with the mentality that it's a necessary element of familial life for everyone.

We love our little family, and we love our life. I think we can both honestly say that we are happier now than we ever have been before.

Um... I thought you said RUM!

As referenced by the website of this blog, I am a runner. For many years, I refused to call myself a runner because I have never been very GOOD at running. But, now that I have run several long races (ranging from 6.2 to 15.5 miles - 10K to 25K), and am currently training for a full marathon, I guess that qualifies me as a "runner".

So, I'm on week 10 of an 18 week marathon training program. I'm registered for the Twin Cities Marathon (nicknamed "the most beautiful urban marathon in America") on October 2nd. This is the first race I'm training for by myself. I've trained for all my other races with a friend. While I really enjoy running with a friend, I also have come to embrace my long solo runs. How often do we get to have several hours of uninterrupted "me time"? So far, training has been successful and relatively pain-free.

Here are some FAQs about running this marathon:

Q. Why did you decide to run a full marathon?
A. I've enjoyed running various lengths of races for a few years now, and I think that for any runner, a marathon is the ultimate challenge and accomplishment. Since I'm in relatively good running shape, I figured that now is as good of a time as any to tackle 26.2.

Q. But Kate, you're the least athletic person I know! What makes you think YOU can run a marathon??
A. Well, I'm glad you asked! It's true - my whole life, I've been told (especially by my well-intentioned but ultimately unhelpful mother) that I have absolutely no athletic ability or potential. I was never good at sports (again, I think I was discouraged by my mom growing up) and hated Phy Ed. I'm not a natural athlete, that's for sure. But, I've worked my way up to having a level of endurance and strength to be able to run 26.2. Luckily, you don't need to be very coordinated to run... mostly you just need motivation and perseverance. If I can run a marathon, anyone can - seriously.

Q. What are you doing to train for the race?
A. My favorite running plans are Hal Higdon's. I'm using one of his free plans that I found online. I run 3 shorter runs during the week (this week it's two 4-milers and one 8-miler), and then one progressively longer run on either Saturday or Sunday (this week, 17 miles). I have been doing the long run on either Saturday or Sunday depending on the weather and how late I'm out the night before! So far, I've run every single mile that my schedule tells me to run. There's also one day per week of cross-training, and two days of rest. I also do 2 or 3 days per week of strength training, even though that's not actually part of my plan.

Q. Um... is this really a good idea? Didn't the first person to ever run a marathon DIE at the end?
A. That's totally just a myth! Referring to the Battle of Marathon. I'm not planning to die.

Q. Do you run very fast?
A. Nope!

Q. Can I watch you during the race?
A. YES!! There's even a new thing where you can sign up to receive texts telling you where your favorite runners are in the race. Last year, when I ran the TC10miler, it didn't work very well, but I'm hoping that the kinks are worked out this year. Once I have a better idea of the pace at which I'll be running, I'll figure out the approximate times I'll be passing popular spectator locations. Having supporters is so helpful, especially toward the end.

I really appreciate all the encouragement I've received so far throughout this process - especially from Ben, who was initially skeptical but who has proven to be so supportive. Thanks!