Who Am I? A Crisis of Identity in a Blended Family

"I don't know who I am anymore."

This is an all-too-common sentiment expressed by stepmoms, one that I have read about repeatedly in my seemingly endless quest to identify and understand my new-normal.  It's also at the very top of my list of personal issues in this phase of my life.

There is so much role ambiguity involved in stepfamily life  Articles and books on the topic, authored by stepfamily experts, offer conflicting ideas about best stepmom practices. Treat the kids as if they are your own, but don't try to be a parent.  Make it known that you're an authority in the house, but leave the disciplining to the bio parent.  You're choosing both your partner and his kids, but don't feel guilty if you don't love the kids.  The kids should always come first, but it is of utmost importance to prioritize your relationship with your partner.  It you don't speak up, you'll become resentful, but don't vent to your partner about his kids.  Be a source of support for your partner, but don't take on too many household responsibilities.  All of these well-intentioned, but contradictory, tidbits of advice make me want to scream: "Who am I? What am I doing?"

In our case, all of these ambiguities are compounded by the fact that, despite Pete only having 50% custody, Lucas's biological mother ("affectionately" abbreviated BM in the stepmom community) is basically out of the picture, and has been since before we moved in together.  Because of this, I've taken on a different role than I otherwise would.  I'm simultaneously learning how to be both a mom as well as a stepmom - all rolled into one.

And yet, legally, biologically, custodially... I'm not his mom.  I didn't conceive him, birth him, name him.  Although I routinely give up other priorities to parent him, although I outfitted him in a Halloween costume, planned his birthday party, and created a behavior/rewards system for him, although I pick him up from the bus stop and help him with homework and read to him and give him baths and fold his laundry and tuck him into bed... I have no legal custody.  Pete and I are not equals in parenting.  Although we work together to make parenting decisions, in the end they are HIS decisions, not mine.  I can't even sign a school field trip permission slip.  Worse yet, legally, another woman - a conspicuously absent, completely non-mom mom -  has 50% of that decision-making power. And, if (God forbid) something happened to Pete, I would have zero parenting rights, zero custody rights, zero visitation rights. The brutal, heart-wrenching truth is: I'm raising a child who isn't mine. 

Another factor is my actual relationship with Lucas.  We have come a long way in the nine months (less than one year!) since we first met.  In the early phase, when he saw me, he would play the "shy game" of hiding under pillows or behind Pete's leg and refusing to talk to me (spoiler alert: it was about the least fun game ever, and no one was the winner).  When we first moved in together, he tried to exclude me from family activities, and put up a fuss when I put him to bed instead of Pete.  Due to a combination of concerted effort and the passage of time, these things have changed.  He references the three of us "a family", and he occasionally reciprocates my expressions of love.  He knows that there are different types of parents, and that Pete and I are teammates in parenting him.  And yet, just last night when we were talking about this, he said, "but she [his bio mom] is my real mom."  And how can I dispute that?  Even though Lucas and I have made huge strides in our relationship, we seem to be asking each other the same questions: "Who are you and what is your role in my life?"  I'm doing all of the mom work, and getting none of the mom credit.   

When I step back and think of all of these pieces holistically, it's not hard to understand why I'm finding myself in the middle of an identity crisis, and why my self-confidence is on shaky ground.  I don't want to lose myself in this sea of parenting ambiguity.  I don't want to lose the version of myself that I was before Pete and Lucas were my family, yet I want to be as involved as I can in life with them. This is the MOST complicated and most difficult path I have ever trotted.  My role is not one that is not well understood by most people  - and certainly not one that is well empathized.  Although I know that there are thousands of other stepmoms who have been through the same thing, I still often feel very isolated.  Although I'm trying my absolute best 100% of the time, I don't know if I'm doing a good job. I don't even know what doing a good job should look like. 

And yet - I'm still doing it.  Maybe part of how I define myself in this ambiguous life is that I am a person of perseverance and integrity, with a strong desire to create and sustain family - however I define it.  Although I don't always know who I am, or what my role in my family is, I have never let go of these fundamental qualities.  I'm going to keep going, and keep working, and keep creating.  I'm not going to do it perfectly, but I'm going to do it.  Maybe THAT is what defines who I am. Maybe that's all any of us can expect from ourselves.