Partners First, Parents Second

One of the most difficult and confounding things that I have heard said about parenting is that "the kids always come first."  It's more of a theoretical idea than a practical guideline, and it doesn't actually carry much meaning when announced without context.  It also doesn't ring true to me at all.

 

I don't know much about building houses, but I do know this: It is important to start with a good foundation.  The foundation is what the house is built on, and the rest of the house can't be structurally sound without a solid foundation.  No matter how nice the rest of the house is, if the foundation breaks, eventually, the rest of the house will crumble.

 

In a family household, the partners or spouses are the foundation. They are what the family is built on.  Without a rock-solid foundation, the family will function poorly.  To build and maintain that solid foundation, it is imperative that the partners invest in their relationship: giving it priority, putting it first, not taking it for granted. 

This concept is important in ALL families, but I think it is especially important in step-families, for three main reasons:

 

1. The partners in a step-family don't have the benefit of years of relationship development before children.  In a step-family, the children chronologically DID come before the relationship, so there was no honeymoon period exclusively focused on relationship-building.  In the first few years of step-family formation, the foundation is being built simultaneously with child-raising.  

 

2. The divorce rate in step-family couples is over 70% in the first five years- substantially higher than the divorce rate for couples without kids or for couples with biological children only. Being in a step-family creates an enormous strain on a relationship.  If partners don't put each other first, focusing consistently and intentionally one each other and on the relationship, the chance of the marriage or partnership surviving is bleak.

3. Typically, one or both partners in a step-family have experienced the devolving of their first primary relationship.  Often that happens, at least in part, because of a failure to keep the foundational relationship strong. In second families, couples know firsthand what happens in a relationship in which the foundation isn't prioritized - it falls apart.  We have a second chance to form lasting love and commitment, so it's extra important for us to value and take advantage of that opportunity.  We also owe it to our children and/or step-childen, whose first model of marriage or partnership is one of brokenness and loss.

Early on in our relationship, Pete and I made a conscious commitment to put each other, and our relationship, first. So, how do we honor that commitment, practically?  It  doesn't mean we ignore the child in our family.  Pete and I engage Lucas every day that we are parenting him.  We work on homework with him. We take turns picking him up from the bus stop and reading to him before bed every night.  We sit down for dinner together every night - sometimes either Pete or I aren't home, but he has at least one parent eating with him every night.  We talk to him about his day and ask him questions about school. After dinner we play a game, go for a walk, or do something else together as a family.  Pete and I both go to parent/teacher conferences, I've volunteered in his classroom, and we communicate regularly with his teachers.  We are highly active parents with a happy, healthy, little boy who has secure attachments and increasing independence.

For Pete and me, putting each other first means being highly intentional about making time for one another.  We enforce an 8:00 pm bedtime, and at least a few nights a week, we use the remaining hours of the day as time for us to spend together.  Our parenting schedule allows us kid-free time on Thursday nights and every other weekend, and we use that time to the fullest - spending it with mutual friends, going on date nights, being out of the house as much as possible. We also utilize babysitters once a month or so - the financial impact of this is well worth the positive impact on our relationship.  Finally, we have pledged to travel together 4 times a year. These could be big trips, like our winter vacation to Puerto Rico, or small trips, like our fall road trip to the North Shore.  It's really important to us to disengage from normal life occasionally, and focus on having awesome experiences together - things we can look back on fondly and remember that we've had amazing, life-enriching, adventures.  In short, we prioritize having regular, consistent, and intentional time together as a couple.

Putting each other first also means setting boundaries with Lucas.  We have a small house, so it would be easy to allow shared space to get dominated by kids' stuff.  But, in order to preserve an adult focus in our home, the vast majority of Lucas's belongings are kept in his bedroom.  Additionally, our own bedroom is off-limits to him, except in specific instances in which he asks permission to enter.  The idea of keeping one room in the home as a kid-free "sacred space" is recommended by step-family experts, and it's been hugely sanity-preserving for us.   We also don't let Lucas interrupt us when we are talking to each other, and we make a point to hug and kiss each other first when one of us gets home.   These might seem like little things, but they are little things that add up to send a clear message to each other, and to Lucas, that we value and cherish each other.  In doing this, we're not only achieving a five-star relationship that will last, but we're modeling to Lucas what a strong relationship should look like.

I'm proud of the parenting that Pete and I are doing, and I'm proud of our decision to put each other first.  We have experienced a lot of trial and error during this first year as a family, and this is the model that we have found works best for us. Because of our choices, our relationship is strong, and I feel confident that down the road, we will continue to be in the 30% of successful step-family partners.

Cheers to family:  However you define it, establish it, and sustain it.  We're all different, we're all winging it, and we're all doing our best.

Who Am I? A Crisis of Identity in a Blended Family

"I don't know who I am anymore."

This is an all-too-common sentiment expressed by stepmoms, one that I have read about repeatedly in my seemingly endless quest to identify and understand my new-normal.  It's also at the very top of my list of personal issues in this phase of my life.

There is so much role ambiguity involved in stepfamily life  Articles and books on the topic, authored by stepfamily experts, offer conflicting ideas about best stepmom practices. Treat the kids as if they are your own, but don't try to be a parent.  Make it known that you're an authority in the house, but leave the disciplining to the bio parent.  You're choosing both your partner and his kids, but don't feel guilty if you don't love the kids.  The kids should always come first, but it is of utmost importance to prioritize your relationship with your partner.  It you don't speak up, you'll become resentful, but don't vent to your partner about his kids.  Be a source of support for your partner, but don't take on too many household responsibilities.  All of these well-intentioned, but contradictory, tidbits of advice make me want to scream: "Who am I? What am I doing?"

In our case, all of these ambiguities are compounded by the fact that, despite Pete only having 50% custody, Lucas's biological mother ("affectionately" abbreviated BM in the stepmom community) is basically out of the picture, and has been since before we moved in together.  Because of this, I've taken on a different role than I otherwise would.  I'm simultaneously learning how to be both a mom as well as a stepmom - all rolled into one.

And yet, legally, biologically, custodially... I'm not his mom.  I didn't conceive him, birth him, name him.  Although I routinely give up other priorities to parent him, although I outfitted him in a Halloween costume, planned his birthday party, and created a behavior/rewards system for him, although I pick him up from the bus stop and help him with homework and read to him and give him baths and fold his laundry and tuck him into bed... I have no legal custody.  Pete and I are not equals in parenting.  Although we work together to make parenting decisions, in the end they are HIS decisions, not mine.  I can't even sign a school field trip permission slip.  Worse yet, legally, another woman - a conspicuously absent, completely non-mom mom -  has 50% of that decision-making power. And, if (God forbid) something happened to Pete, I would have zero parenting rights, zero custody rights, zero visitation rights. The brutal, heart-wrenching truth is: I'm raising a child who isn't mine. 

Another factor is my actual relationship with Lucas.  We have come a long way in the nine months (less than one year!) since we first met.  In the early phase, when he saw me, he would play the "shy game" of hiding under pillows or behind Pete's leg and refusing to talk to me (spoiler alert: it was about the least fun game ever, and no one was the winner).  When we first moved in together, he tried to exclude me from family activities, and put up a fuss when I put him to bed instead of Pete.  Due to a combination of concerted effort and the passage of time, these things have changed.  He references the three of us "a family", and he occasionally reciprocates my expressions of love.  He knows that there are different types of parents, and that Pete and I are teammates in parenting him.  And yet, just last night when we were talking about this, he said, "but she [his bio mom] is my real mom."  And how can I dispute that?  Even though Lucas and I have made huge strides in our relationship, we seem to be asking each other the same questions: "Who are you and what is your role in my life?"  I'm doing all of the mom work, and getting none of the mom credit.   

When I step back and think of all of these pieces holistically, it's not hard to understand why I'm finding myself in the middle of an identity crisis, and why my self-confidence is on shaky ground.  I don't want to lose myself in this sea of parenting ambiguity.  I don't want to lose the version of myself that I was before Pete and Lucas were my family, yet I want to be as involved as I can in life with them. This is the MOST complicated and most difficult path I have ever trotted.  My role is not one that is not well understood by most people  - and certainly not one that is well empathized.  Although I know that there are thousands of other stepmoms who have been through the same thing, I still often feel very isolated.  Although I'm trying my absolute best 100% of the time, I don't know if I'm doing a good job. I don't even know what doing a good job should look like. 

And yet - I'm still doing it.  Maybe part of how I define myself in this ambiguous life is that I am a person of perseverance and integrity, with a strong desire to create and sustain family - however I define it.  Although I don't always know who I am, or what my role in my family is, I have never let go of these fundamental qualities.  I'm going to keep going, and keep working, and keep creating.  I'm not going to do it perfectly, but I'm going to do it.  Maybe THAT is what defines who I am. Maybe that's all any of us can expect from ourselves.