Transitions and Growth: Reflections from the Outside

This spring, Seth and I attended a dance performance at Macalester College.  Our favorite piece was one entitled Transitions.  Watching it as an outsider, we were able to identify many things happening on stage that the dancers themselves were unable to see. When we are in the middle of a dance, it is inherently impossible to see ourselves - to see the big picture, or to see the intricacies. It is only by stepping back, and looking in on our lives, that we are able to really see growth - that we are able to see ourselves objectively. This applies not only to periods of transition, but to all phases of life.  We can't truly see and learn from them until we are on the outside, looking in.

With somewhere around 32 hours until next year, I have been doing a lot of thinking about, remembering of, and reflecting on 2014.  I wrote in my journal on January 2nd that "2013 was the year that I transitioned.  2014 will be the year that I reap the fruits of that transition."  For most of the year, I was disappointed because I didn't believe that I was living up to my prediction.  I thought that I was remaining stagnant, paralyzed by a lack of clarity as to what the "next step" should be.  But, as watching the dance taught us, sometimes it's difficult (or impossible) to see growth while it is happening.  We can only come to see it from the outside, after the fact, upon reflection.

I've spent the last couple of days pouring through my 2014 memories.  I have reviewed photos, videos, check-ins, Facebook timelines, journal entries, screenshots... all of the physical reminders of the year.  As I step back and look, as if from the outside in, I can see that I HAVE reaped the fruits of last year's transition.  I can see that I have developed confidence, self-awareness, and independence.  I can see that I have found a sense of hope for a bright future.  I can see that I have made true friends and let go of untrue friends.  I have learned that a solo night in is restorative and healthy, not an indicator of being unloved.  I have developed the perspective to walk with others through similar transitions, and know that they, too, will come out on the other side. I have learned that in order to be WITH someone who makes me happy, I must first BE someone who makes me happy.  I have come to terms with my bisexual identity, and the self-assuredness that this exists regardless of the gender of the person I am dating.  I have learned that our culture's indicators of success don't always line up with my personal values, and that does not mean that I have failed.  I have let go of a past that I know no longer belongs to me, and have phased out the anger and hurt that I had held onto for the entirety of 2013.

All of these 2014 lessons have been born out of diving head-first into my new life.  I took advantage of travel opportunities, cultivated new friendships and reconnected with old ones, accepted invitations, developed traditions, and processed through feelings and experiences - both negative and positive.  I can see all of this as I reflect on my stored memories of the year.  I am so grateful to live in a era of having a built-in digital time capsule. Storing memories is easy, and reviewing them is as simple as a click of a button.  I'm excited to look back on the year after more time has passed, when I can review its lessons from a further-out perspective, which no doubt will provide even more new insight.

As this year draws to an end, I strongly encourage everyone to take a step back to reflect on 2014.  Lessons learned, opportunities taken, teachable moments... they are all so much clearer looking back, looking in.  We can't always see the dance we are performing until after the curtain closes, but as we prepare for a new act in 2015, drawing on the grace and clumsiness of 2014 can be our strongest asset.