Baggage

Last weekend, during a conversation with a friend about dating, we made the determination that, at our age (pushing mid-30s), everyone on the dating market has "baggage".  Baggage is generally used as a negative term, meaning things that impede a healthy new relationship from forming.  Often times the term refers to residual feelings left over from a previous relationship.  Maybe it means having trouble trusting.  Or feeling inadequate.  Or, more tangibly, having a child.  Or an illness. Or an ex that is still residually in the picture.

But to have baggage means that we have traveled.  It means we have metaphorical stamps on our passport: stamps of love, passion, hurt, acceptance, rejection, betrayal, survival.  It means we have experienced beautiful things and terrible things. It means we have lived life, and therefore by nature, we have the capacity to continue to do so.  It probably means we are interesting, dynamic, and wise.  It means we have perspective.  It means we have a sense of who we are, and what we are looking for.  It means we have made mistakes and that mistakes have been made unto us - but, hopefully, those mistakes have provided learning opportunities.

The opposite of baggage is naivety.  Naiveity is another word that I think is mistakenly used as a negative, but isn't inherently so.  Miriam-Webster says that to be naive means to be "marked by unaffected simplicity; to have a lack of experience."  Naiveity does not mean that a person is stupid; it just means they haven't "been there" yet.  The fun part about naivety is the unadulterated excitement: the anticipatory feeling of just beginning a trip -- nothing in the rear view mirror, but everything to look forward to on an open road.  It's not a bad place to be, but it can't last forever.

When I was younger, not only was I naive, but so was my ideal partner.  I wanted to date (actually, to marry - as soon as possible)  someone with no baggage. Someone with a clean, never-been-written-on slate.  Someone who, for example, had never been in love -- so that I could be the "first". I'm not going to find that person now, and that's not what I'm looking for.  I MYSELF am not that person now, and I'm glad that I'm not.

So yes, most everyone in today's dating market has baggage, including us, because we've traveled through life and are continuing to do so.  Instead of trying to hide that when we date, let's just lay it all out there and, when and if the situation is right, we'll find someone whose baggage complements our own.