Reflections in the Mirror

I think most women (and a lot of men, too) can relate to having had periods of life in which we care a lot more than we reasonably should about our appearance. I personally have spent more time than I’d like to admit looking in the mirror, scrutinizing every physical aspect of myself. “Are my cheeks too chubby?” “Have I gained weight?” “Why am I so short?” “Does my hair look okay?” And then, even worse - when I leave the house, I turn that mirror outward by way of comparison to other women. “She’s so much prettier than me.” “I wish I had her smile.” “She pulls off that outfit way better than I ever could.” “She’s so skinny – it’s just not fair!” I spend altogether too much time focused on how I look, and comparing myself to others.

I can honestly say that my physical self-scrutiny has not made me an (even slightly!) improved person, and it CERTAINLY has not made the world one iota better. But lately I have been wondering – what if I applied that same perfectionism to my internal qualities? Instead of spending hours dwelling on how I look, counting every calorie (consumed and burned), practicing my smile… what if I instead used that energy to ask questions like, “What have I done today to show kindness to those around me?” “Have I been a good steward of my environment?” “Am I aware of current events and issues around the world?” “How can I use my skills and resources to better my community?” “Am I bringing joy to the people I encounter today?”

I don’t know if I can blame my obsession with physical appearance on culture, mass media, or if it’s just my own personal vanity, but up until recently I have placed so much more emphasis on the first set of questions than the second. And it has gotten me nowhere. Short of plastic surgery, there is nothing I can do about my chubby cheeks. Other than a short pre-wedding stint, I been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for probably the past 15 years. Nothing will EVER change about my height. My hair is gonna look just fine whether I run that flat iron through it for 5 more minutes or not. But that second set of questions – the answers to those are malleable. The answers to those are what people will remember about me (unlike my never-quite-straight hair or the 4 pounds I’ve gained!). The answers to those have the power to change the world, even if it’s just a little bit. A lot of little bits add up.

In light of all of this, I’m going to make a concerted effort to follow these guidelines:

1. Making physical comparisons to other women is not only futile, but it is almost masochistic. There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier, someone thinner, someone with better hair or better clothes or a better smile. Comparing my appearance to that of other women will never do anything but make me feel inferior. Plus, it’s shallow.

2. I don’t have to be the prettiest girl in the room if I can be fun, interesting, energetic, and social. This is a mentality I have been embracing for a few months now. I actually had a discussion about this with a new friend at a party last night. There were a lot of really beautiful girls there, but he told me that when he tried to engage them in conversation, they weren’t particularly vibrant or friendly. Phyiscal beauty might initially catch someone’s eye, but a fun personality is what creates lasting attraction.

3. We all have limited time, energy, and capacity. I want to use mine for good. “Good” can take on a variety of forms for different people, but for me it means making people smile and laugh, being sincerely interested in the lives of others, participating in social activism, and having a general awareness of the world around me.

4. The aforementioned 3 guidelines are not an excuse for poor health. It’s difficult to be the best person I can be if I’m not physically healthy. A de-emphasis on weight, for example, doesn’t mean that I don’t need to exercise or that I can stuff my face with sugar. But my reasons for making these choices should shift from a focus on how they will make me look, to how they will make me feel… and in turn, how I can be a positive force in the world.

Next time we look in the mirror, I hope we can all see beyond the perceived imperfections, and focus on that which is really important. We'll be happier people, and the world will be a better place.

Post-Vacation Gratitude

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled, whiny yuppy, I'm just going to come out and say it: coming back to reality after an incredible trip abroad sucks. I spent 11 glorious days traveling in Colombia with two of my best friends in the world, and most of that time was spent with our wonderful hostesses - two other close friends who live in Cartagena, right on the coast.

We had the most perfect blend of adventures, scandals, funny moments, pampering, and lazy beach/poolside time. We met strangers from all over the globe who quickly became friends. We got massages and manis and pedis and various other "spa services". We traveled by boat from one beach to another. We laughed at each other's pathetic Spanish skills (okay, so mostly it was them laughing, justifiably, at me. Apparently "escuchame" means "listen to me", not "excuse me". oops). We stayed out late and "salsa danced" (note the quotations). The weather was perfect. The company was perfect. It was the kind of experience that you return from wanting to share with everyone.

I thought that by the time it was over, I'd be ready to get back to real life. That I'd be ready to sleep in my own bed, spend time with my other friends and family, have hot showers, go back to work, and generally be a productive member of society.

I thought wrong.

The last few days have been a really difficult adjustment. They've been lonely - polar opposite from the previous 11, spent in the company of friends 24/7. When something you've been anticipating for so long comes and goes, there's this feeling of "what next?" What is there to look forward to now?

Although it's normal to feel like this at the end of something big (we've all heard about the post-wedding depression that many brides experience after their wedding day is over, for example), I'm really trying to put the whole thing into perspective. There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, and excited about. Maybe it's not something as big as a South American adventure, but it's important to find joy in the small things as well: celebrating with a newly-engaged friend, having a date night with my husband, that first long outdoor spring run, spending time with my my sister when she's home for spring break.

It's also important to be grateful for the relationships that make the "big things" possible. I'm nothing short of blessed by having close friends with whom to go on travel adventures, and friends who are LIVING the adventures and are willing to host vacationers. I'm blessed by having a husband who is not only supportive of "girls only" trips, but almost insistent upon me taking them. These are the permanent intangibles that make life wonderful... not just the brief physical experiences themselves.

So today I'm choosing to stop with the "my vacation is over" pity party, and just be grateful. Grateful for the experience and the memories, grateful for the people in my life. And grateful for the every-day things that are worth smiling about.

Why Marriage Equality Matters

If you spend much time in conversation with me, peruse my Facebook page, hack into my e-mail to see what mailing lists I subscribe to, or take a look at the rear bumper of my car, you quickly will discover that I am an adamant supporter of LGBT equality. Now, there are many inequality concerns facing this community, but the one that is currently getting the most press is that of gay marriage. This is an issue on which I take a VERY strong stance.
While the majority of my generation, regardless of political or religious affiliation, does support gay marriage, I think that some people wonder why, as a woman married to a man, I consider this such a personally important issue. Why should it matter so much to me?

Unlike many young Americans, I do not believe that marriage is an outdated institution. I actually think that marriage is extremely positive for society. We do better as a culture when individuals are partnered in dyads. Children (on the whole) fare better when raised in two-parent households. The prominent conservative attorney Theodore Olson hit the nail on the head with his assertion that marriage “transforms two individuals into a union based on shared aspirations, and in doing so establishes a formal investment in the well-being of society.”

On a personal level, marriage has been incredibly life-enhancing for me. I have been lucky enough to find my perfect match, and on my wedding day, I was 110% ready to make that legally-binding commitment to him. Every day, Ben and I re-commit ourselves to one another by choosing to remain legally bound. Do we NEED that piece of paper, issued by the government, to legitimize our relationship? Absolutely not. Does it come with certain (many) inherent privileges that we enjoy as a result of our decision to tie the knot? Definitely. Does every consenting, committed, adult couple deserve the same status as us, if they choose it? YES.

I believe that marriage should be upheld in our culture as important and legitimate. To steal a phrase from marriage equality opponents, I believe in the “sanctity of marriage.” And that is exactly why I DO support marriage for same-sex couples. In addition to the approximately 1,050 unique legal benefits that come with marriage (social security benefits, family medical leave act protections, federal tax filing/exemptions, the right to hospital visits and decision-making in health emergencies, etc. ), there is also the intangible quality of being able to say “I am married to my partner.” Every person deserves these benefits, whether his or her partner happens to be of the same or opposite sex. To deny the right of marriage to gay and lesbian couples is BLATANT discrimination.

It breaks my heart that there are nearly one million couples in America who, simply because of their sexual orientation, are denied the status of marriage that Ben and I enjoy, and that is so pivotal to society. If you are married (or if you are heterosexual and plan to marry someday), you too are part that privileged majority. To not speak out against this inequality is to effectively promote it.

I will not endorse systematic discrimination. And that, friends, is why this issue matters to me.

“To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.” –Abraham Lincoln

Who Would Jesus Endorse?

I heard on the news last night that 150 evangelical leaders (James Dobson, Tony Perkins, etc.) are gathering for a private retreat in Texas this weekend to decide collectively which GOP presidential candidate they should endorse. They decided to do this because the current frontrunner in the campaign, Mitt Romney, is apparently not Christian enough (i.e., their particular brand of Christian) to successfully run the country.

The Christian right is possibly the most infuriating group of people (from a political standpoint) I can think of. They will endorse a candidate solely based on who they perceive to be most closely in line with their religious beliefs. News flash: America is not a theocracy. We are not electing the senior pastor of your church – we’re electing the chief executive of our country. What a person believes religiously should have no bearing on his or her ability to be a civil leader.

Furthermore, I disagree with endorsing a candidate based solely on his social agenda. Funny how “social conservative” has come to mean, basically, being anti-gay rights and anti-choice. The religious right calls these “family values.” I would counter that these are not family values at all. There is nothing pro-family about not allowing legal marriage between two people who love each other. There is nothing pro-family about forcing a woman to carry a fetus to term when her own health is at risk. Now, if these are the issues upon which an individual voter casts his or her ballot, fine - that is a personal choice. But when widely known faith leaders endorse a candidate based on these issues and then ask their congregants to follow suit… that is, frankly, a misuse of power and influence.

During Jesus’ life, he purposely stayed OUT of politics. My message to these 150 evangelical church leaders is that, publicly, you should too. Give your congregants some credit. They’re smart enough to identify the issues that THEY deem to be most important, and vote accordingly.

The Privilege of Saying Good-bye

Last night I went to a going-away party for a close friend who is moving to New York at the end of the month for an amazing job opportunity. She will be my 7th friend to relocate away from the Minneapolis area in 2011 (5 girl friends and two fantastic spouses). This particular woman, over the past few years, has become my go-to person for Friday night happy hour plans, my nutrition and fitness consultant, my relationship guru, my cheering squad (literally, during the marathon), my confidant.... my family. Her absence is going to leave more than a small gap in my life... it's going to permeate throughout everything.

I guess my friends' moves can be chalked up to the phase of life that we are in: 30ish, beginning to settle down into a permanent location, becoming established in careers, etc. One great part about having friends in other cities is that it provides excuses (aka opportunities!) to travel, and that is exciting. But, as fun as that is, there's nothing like having the closest people in life being within an arm's reach on a daily basis.

So, while 2011 has been an incredibly fun-filled, amazing, nearly perfect year, it's a little unsettling to think about what 2012 will bring, with so many of my favorite people absent from daily life. During this holiday season, which has been wonderfully joyful and rich so far, there's this slight but definite unsettled feeling of anticipated loneliness. But, stronger than that, there is a feeling of wholeness and blessing. In the past few years, I've developed a particular sense of appreciation for the most important women in my life. I'm truly grateful, both for those who have left, and for those who are sticking around (and this post should in no way be interpreted as minimizing the importance of those who are still here!). It's hard to say good-bye to yet another friend this year. But at the same time, it's a blessing to have friends who are significant enough to evoke a feeling of loss as they move away. The truth is, it is a privilege to say good-bye.

Religion: A dichotomy or a spectrum?

Someone asked me last night if I was planning to keep blogging now that the marathon is over. Well, the truth is that my inspiration to blog usually comes when I’m on a long run, and since the marathon I really haven’t done any long runs, until today. I did 10 miles (on a treadmill), and it felt absolutely fantastic. I am excited to get back into the habit of doing one long-ish run each week, because it really helps me mentally and emotionally, and provides a great base for when I want to start training for my next run. Today’s run, coupled with a really fantastic message I heard at church, made me decide to get back on the blog wagon.

People who know me well know that I very much enjoy discussing and learning about religions and theology. I don't mind dissent and disagreement, I love to listen to ideas, and I’m not afraid to tell people what I believe. Sometimes it seems like nearly everyone disagrees with me, because I fall neither into the fundamentalist “Christian” camp, or the “spiritual but not religious” camp. Today’s message at church was about this (false) dichotomy. It is often assumed that people fall into one of two categories: fundamentalist (this could apply to any religion, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to use Christian terms), or anything-goes “spiritual but not religious”. On the fundamentalist side are the things that studies have shown most non-Christians view Christians as: narrow minded, exclusivist, very focused on who’s in or who’s out (aka who is “saved”). On the other side is a person who doesn’t hold on to any set of beliefs about God or divinity, or who picks and chooses “cafeteria style” what they want to believe. I would argue that every single person holds cafeteria style faith, but that’s a whole other topic in itself.

Part of the message that I heard today focused on the idea that these two points of view are not dichotomous, but rather are two extremes of a spectrum, and that it’s okay - and positive - to fall in the middle. I’m not sure. If these views are on a spectrum, I definitely don’t think it’s a “normal curve”, with most people in the middle. It seems that most people fall on one end or the other. Maybe it just seems that way because the people who do fall on the extremes are the “loudest”.

I have to admit that I feel more comfortable talking to people on the left end of the “spectrum” than the right. I absolutely cannot subscribe to the idea of a God that would only “save” those who hold a certain religious belief. The fundamentalist Christian view is that God “saves” (i.e. sends to heaven) only those who believe that Jesus is God-incarnate and was resurrected from the dead. This idea is so absurd to me that it’s hard to even talk about rationally. You’re telling me that the Creator/Sustainer of the universe would only let people into heaven if they believe that one man rose from the dead 2,000 years ago?? And every other human being who has ever lived gets condemned to an eternal hell?? It makes NO SENSE in my mind. If my choice is to believe in that or nothing, I would definitely choose nothing.

But maybe there is a third choice.

Today’s message introduced me to the idea that Jesus himself was not exclusivist, and that these exclusionary ideas that are held by some Christians are not the message that Jesus came to bring. After all, Jesus talked to people of all kinds, accepted people of all kinds, welcomed people of all kinds. I’m struggling with this idea, though, because fundamentalists use quotes from Jesus like “no one comes to the father except through me” as evidence that a person who doesn’t believe in Jesus is not following God and therefore is not “saved”. But is it possible that those verses have been taken out of context by people who want to scare others into conforming to their ideas? Is it possible that following Jesus actually means to live one’s life in the way that he did – closing the door to “us vs. them” thinking, treating all people equally, loving one another without regard to differences, helping those who need help? And that it means doing these thing not with the ulterior motive of changing other people’s religious beliefs, but simply because it is the right thing to do? Maybe that’s a view that more of us who fall “in the middle of the spectrum” can get behind.

I welcome any and all feedback regarding these ideas or others. I view beliefs/religions, just like everything else in life, as fluid and dynamic and a constant learning process, not something that is decided upon one time and unchangeable. The views I hold now are nowhere close to those I held 10 years ago, and I would guess that in 10 more years I will be saying the same thing. I'm grateful for the ability to learn, grow, and change.